Jah Jah Dub

Monday, June 30, 2003

Saw this last night. It is incredible, in every sense of the word. Yes, it does star the guy from "Road Trip".

Before internets did people actually work all day?

I've got to get a private members page. Some stuff I want to get down is far too bawdy for public consumption.

Katherine Hepburn died. So soon after Gregory Peck too. Here's to you Kate, last of the golden age. Never look back, Ladies and Gentlemen, never look back.

Was thinking about doing a detox this weekend. Then Wayne came to visit and it ended up being a Tox instead.


Sunday, June 29, 2003

My Top 5 jokes ever.

1) I had to get towed home last night. Ratty and Moley were too pissed.
2) What's E.T. short for? He has little legs.
3) What's black and runny? Linford Christie.
4) Knock Knock. Who's there? Little old man who can't reach the doorbell.
5) What's got four legs and goes "boom"? Piper Alpha.


Friday, June 27, 2003

What do we need for the Balham Bernabeu? "Chrome, leather, a shower for 6! Done!" (Thank you Karen-from-Will-and-Grace.)

Cannot believe I forgot Karen from Will and Grace. She's number 5. I'm bumping Nicole/Ros from Frasier. Watch out Linda Barker, your place isn't safe.

James is going away next weekend. This means I probably won't speak to anyone from Friday afternoon until Monday morning. Anyone fancy mobbing with the A-Dogg?

Actually, I don't really like Nicole that much, she's just making up the numbers. Substitute Ros from Frasier for her. Oh, and I need Jennifer from The Office in there somewhere. And Famke Jansen. Shit, I'm going to have to do this again.

My Top 10 Women at the moment:

1) Kate Somebody
2) Parker Posey
3) Katie Puckrick
4) Tara Palmer Tomkinson
5) Va Va Voom woman.
6) Joy from Drop the Dead Donkey.
7) Janeane Garofalo.
8) Linda Barker.
9) Nicole from Renault adverts.
10) Allison Janney.

Bubbling under: Monica Bellucci, Beyonce Knowles, Helen Mirren.

The Wayney-Boy is hitting town this weekend. Result. Ruudi can't fail.


Thursday, June 26, 2003

Please tell me someone else is watching this. Kate Somebody is so good.

Beginning of "Rogue Traders".

"Hi, I'm Matt Allwright."

"Yeah, that's alright Matt."

These songs are all I'm listening to at the moment:

Don't Get Me Wrong - The Pretenders
Dancing in the Dark - The Boss
Beast of Burden - The Rolling Stones (Still on heavy rotation.)
Area Codes - Ludacris
Waiting on a Friend - The Rolling Stones

I'm sure "I am the very model of a modern Major-General" will break into this list soon.

Kate Adie. You so would. Don't lie to me.

Don't fancy your's much. (here)

Actually, these are like Monty Python songs, but funnier.

I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

Stop it.

James just got home. Bought me a present, "Favourite Gilbert and Sullivan". That was a surprise.

In case anyone reads this in time, watch "Reality Check" tonight. For some reason it's been confined to the ghetto of 23.15, Channel 4.

Think Susanna just called me, "beautiful". (As in, "Hey, Beautiful!"..."Hey, Rotter." ) I pretended not to hear. It was the first time I've seen her today and I was c. as i. Managed to avoid the lunch date so far. If I can make it until the end of the week I reckon I'm home and dry.

Selection of texts on my phone:

-Right, here we go. Man, this is going to be such a peach.
-Is it wrong to try and come between a man and his wife?
-Of course Danny Baker after all.
-J.K. Rowling? Barbara Ellen from the Observer? (Yes, by the way.)
-Train at 4:30. party of 5 brother is charlie.

Taken the counter off, it seems to be fucking everything up. It's completely unrepresentative anyway as it was looking as if I'd get to 1000 hits within 10 days of having it. Want to know how many different people see it, not how many times I check to see if a post has published or hit the "back" arrow.

Already bored. My supervisor's not in yet and there's hardly any work to do. Already been out for a cigarette. May have a dump later.


Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Would be good to introduce family members without explaining who they are. Especially parents and grandparents. Me + Grandpa + someone I didn't know that well + "Hi Sarah, this is William...." + "Pleased to meet you" + change of subject => confusion + slight embarassment.

A girl downstairs has a picture of David Coulthard on her desk.

Was watching the "bloopers" episode of "A Question of Sport" last night. No matter how hard I try I can't hate Ally McCoist. I may as well face it that he's ace. Especially as he was in a film with Robert Duvall. (here) From now on I will call pieces of trivia which few are aware of "Ally MacCoist facts", or "Ally MacCoisters". (The opposite of Frank Beard facts - trivia which everyone knows.) If you have any examples of either of these then feel free to tell me, think it'll be a permanent section when I get a website.


Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Of course I'm going to join a book group.

That tennis player on the advert is Kim Clijsters. I retract my comments about her.

Just fronted on Suzanna a bit. I know it's cold. But better in the long run.

Finally gave in and bought an REM album, "Murmur". I'm going to buy them in order though, following this band from the beginning, so it'll be a while before I can talk to anyone about "Out of Time". Still have no U2 albums. Wish I hadn't bought "Parklife".

Take showers at work. Sit at desk with towel wrapped around head like turban.

Hey! Looks like my site is working again!

American newspaper describing El Rubio Ingles, "Sting-lookalike, David Beckham..." Gold. Solid gold.


Monday, June 23, 2003

Of course "Pat Buchanan".

Of course "rhinoplasty".

Of course the "Pacific Plate."

Name that Tectonic Plate. Stop it.

"Name that rapper" on University challenge. They got none. In fairness, I didn't get Ice-T. Liked Paxo saying "That was Missy Element." Priceless.

I'm storming this episode.

Suzanna, that chica from work busted my balls again today. Thought I'd got away without seeing her but she caught me at 17:15.

Her: Hey, my friend Alistair! When you want to go to lunch? What you want to do? We go tomorrow?
Me: Ummm. Busy tomorrow. Sometime later on in the week maybe.
Her: OK, Wednesday? Wednesday. And after that...... maybe every day?
Me: Yeah. That'll happen.

In the interests of full disclosure I should point out that that last response was made up for comedic purposes.

Thinking about going to see this genius as a birthday present to myself. Anyone else up for an evening of the finest Jewish comedy? Apparently he was the Queen Mother's favourite comedian.


Sunday, June 22, 2003

Just watching this. Turned it off for Top Gear, don't think I'll put it on again. It was a bit disappointing to be honest.

"Hey, Beef Queen!" - The autobiography of Martin Davies.

"Spunking in the Barnet"

"I have a mouth like ten fingers and ten fingers like a mouth."
"Why do all these homosexuals keep sucking my cock?" - The autobiography of James Mack.

Go to some rap battles.

Of course Sunday Surgery. Of course Radio 1 exam helplines. Of course people reading out their results on air.


Worst sportsmen to spend any time with=athletes. Especially Roger Black. Possible exception: John Regis. Maybe Jamie Baulch. Who would be best? Cricketers?

Nicole from Renault adverts is so in my top 5. Also, that Va-Va-Voom woman from the Clio ads. Reinstate Joy.

Went to Duckie again last night. Brilliant. Simon Munnery was the cabaret act which was an excellent surprise. Best bit was him talking about how he and his brother discovered swearing. Their Dad told them there was two words he wouldn't allow in his house, "f*ck", and "c*nt". "What's 'c*nt?'" they asked. "What's c*nt, indeed?" said the man standing behind me.

They also played "Gay Bar". In a gay bar.

Ian Brodie, the moors murderer. (Leila)

Of course they're just Yo-Yos rebranded.

"I vant........ I vant........ a Viscount!"

This is the best thing that James, or anyone else, has ever said.


Saturday, June 21, 2003

Anna Ford. Of. Course. You. Would.

Anyone seen "Singing in the Rain"? Stop it, basically.


"Flat knackers Fridays. Set your sister on fire and win a sack of shit Saturdays."

Of course Jeff Kenner. Can someone tell me who he is?


Friday, June 20, 2003

Or it could be a groupie who digs commedians. Actually, did I make it up or am I stealing it from somewhere?

Phrase I've just made up: "Gag-Hag" - a girl who always hangs around with one or more funny men.

This is the only film from which I've ever been refused entry. Instead "Fat Harry" and I went to see this.

Yvonne Murray has a meeting on Monday with Saul Bass. Unfortunately not this one.

Of course "How We Used to Live".

TV tonight: Kuffs on BBC 1. F/X: Murder By Illusion is on Channel 5. Shame it's not F/X 2: The Art Of Illusion. That's even worse.

Whither Brian Brown?

Oh shit. Had an awkward conversation earlier with this Spanish girl, Susanna, who works here. (She's the filth.) She caught me outside having a cigarette and we had another stilted chat. She's obviously got "ideas". I was trying to put her off but then impressed her beyond measure by knowing where Galicia is. Damn my charm! She wants to go somewhere one lunchtime with me to "show me around". She seems nice enough, but her English is very poor so it'd be a real ordeal to spend an hour with her. Not sure how I can put her off without seeming too cruel. Can't wait. Just one more part of the epiode-of-the-Office which is my life.

If I won the world's friendliest and most intelligent monkey, a licence to keep it and a lifetime's supply of food and vet's services, how much money would I need to be offered to give it up?

Of course I'm going to see David Bowie in November. Stop it.

Challenge for weekend: Call a stranger "Doll-face"..

Films you wouldn't have expected me to have seen in the cinema;

Road Trip

Shallow Hal (This one was a bit disappointing to be fair.)

These are just ones I can think of off the top of my head. There are loads more.

A selection of films I've chosen to go to on my own:

Good Will Hunting

As Good As it Gets


The World is Not Enough

Pushing Tin

Worst films I've ever paid to see:


Batman + Robin

Green Card

Suburban Commando

Absolute Power

The Sweetest Thing.

Of course "Je suis un toyboy."

"Put up or shut up." Surely they're both the same?

If you had to have sex, sorry, make love, to one of the great apes, (of course, they're all great.) which would you chose?


Thursday, June 19, 2003

Of course Kittycat is full of cat-titude.

I'm going to lie in bed and watch Wayne's World 2. By the time you've read this I will already have done this. Now, don't you wish you'd have done that. Think about it.

My supervisor is called Yvonne Murray. Unfortunately not this one.

David Dickinsons saying "I'm thinking about auditioning for "Pop Idols". Brilliant.

Security guard outside on steps giving a history lesson on the building opposite to a bemused looking woman. "Then, in 1776 it became the public records office." Stop it! You old, skinny, African man!"

Judith, the woman I work with, can speak English, Swahili, Zulu and some Afrikaans. She switches between languages when making long-distance phone calls from work. That is so cool.

Wish I could wear shorts to work. Like a postman.

Man Utd have bought Tim Howard. He has tourettes. I applaud them for continuing their policy of only employing comedy goal keepers.

I have a comments thing now for every post. Feel free to agree or "tear me a new one" whenever you like....

The football team so far. Explanations on request but I think they're pretty obvious.

Van Nistelroy-Wayne.
Thierry Henry- James Dunn.
Robert Pires- Martin.
Ashley Cole- James Mack.
Rio Ferdinand - Glen.
Sol Cambell - Dan Walters.
One of the Nevilles - Craig.
David Seaman - Ed.


Paolo Di Canio-Stefan.

There are other slots to fill of course. Haven't got round to those yet.

Can't believe I forgot to write this last night. The first pub Joe and I went to was amazing. As soon as we walked in we each realised that it was the absolute filth, but by that time it was too late. It was full of lone males, heavilly tatooed, already pretty far gone at 19:45. We decided to sit outside. But where? By the group of lairy builders or the really odd family who would obviously start talking to us and so make us the centre of attention. Trying to supress our smiles and quietly sighing, "Amazing", we chose the builders. Problem 2: how to get out as quickly as possible before we were gay-bashed, without looking as if we were trying desperately to escape. 10 minutes, 2 pints and a stilted conversation later we were on our way. Found a nice bourgeois place full of pine. Exhaled. Relaxed. We were home.

The Sugarbabes are (just) 18. Digest that information. Would I have been too po-faced to fancy them at 18? Probably not. My favourite would have been Heidi though, not Keisha, the correct opinion. Anyone who says Mutya is trying too hard.

Found out yesterday that during the long dark night of the pastis and pole-balancing, ("Man, you've got to take this pole with you when you move out." "I know.") Joe and I had decided to buy a monkey and call it Steve. (Presumably to have as a butler. Actually, maybe it was a guard-monkey. I don't recall.) Joe looked into it. It's not practicable.

Phil Tufnell's song is "Tiger Man". First line, "I'm the king of the jungle, they caaaaaallllll me the Tiger Man.

Should clear up the Boss comment to placate Stefan's rage. (BTW Stef, you missed out "turgid") OK. It is possible not to like the Boss. You may have heard little, or have undeveloped taste, or just be plain wrong. However, at the right volume, it is impossible to listen to "Born to Run" and not punch the air at the best "1-2-3-4" in music history.

Also, worst films I've paid to see. (Sorry Stefan. me and Wayne used to talk about it back in the day though.) Most unexpected films I've paid to see. Films I've been to see on my own.

First women you would for website section:

Celia Imrie
Penelope Keith. (Of course Penelope Keith.)
Ruby Wax (Go with me on this.)

Did I say "how do you do?" to someone this weekend?

Change my links to different people with same names.

Carry clipboard and pen in street. Ask for donations from charity workers.

Have "Members' Club" section of website for more intimate entries. Keep the riff-raff out. - password protected.

Annoying when oppressed groups live up to stereotypes. Most jerky tube ride I've ever had was driven by a woman. Oh, the liberal guilt.

People look at you oddly when you suddenly start writing something down on the tube.

Funniest joke/comment I can think of. (possibly comprehensible to one other person I know.) "What do I know about David Beckham? Beckham. Becks. El Rubio Ingles. Captain Fantastic. Goldenballs. I know he has a lot of nicknames."

Make a football team based on friends' personalities. Ed=goal keeper. Glen and Dan Walters=central defenders. Stefan=mercurial striker. (like Paolo Di Canio) Work out other 8 positions. Should write itself.

Been out with the J-bone, the party-wizard. He's trouble that one.

We were sitting outside and I saw some chick walk by. Pouty, blonde, young. You know the type. Anyway, I'd seen her on the tube the other day and we'd had "a moment". We had another one tonight. Obviously she went somewhere else we didn't go. Obviously I'll never see her again. Just as I like it.


Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Just had "Manual Handling" training at work. I can now safely lift a box. Also, never, NEVER, swivel to speak to someone. Always stand face on to them with feet shoulder-width apart so as not to put too much strain on the back. I did almost flunk the exam at the end. The answer was "stooping". I thought it was "when back is bent." I stood corrected. Next week we have "How to sit in a chair safely." Then it's road safety with Alvin Stardust. ("You must be out of your tiny minds...")

Germaine Greer. You would.

Of course I'm "El Rubio Ingles" of the Balham Bernabeu. All mouth and no trousers. And the hair's coming along. Of course it's me. I'll give up Raul's shirt.


Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Tennis player who says "Welcome to the next level", on BBC's new Wimbledon advert. You so would. Who is she?

Woman on right at beginning. Surely a man.

Tim Henman. This writes itself.

"If I had to shag a man it'd be Andrew Marr." Excellent opinion to pretend to have.

Stop it! Peter Snow saying "Dooh". (Homer Simpson impression.)

Always say to people: "I'll joke about anything. Except myself." (Also, "I don't take anything too seriously, except myself." No, this seems self-deprecating and even charming. Remove the "too.")

It's all good. I can't check my e-mails at work but can check my g-book. In your face Man!

Hey! I have a guestbook now. Leave a message why don't you?

Man, 20.30 tonight. Channel 4 - Dinner party Inspectors, Radio 2 - second part of a documentary Bruce Springsteen. He's so the Boss. (Do top 5 Boss songs on site. Also put not liking the Boss really high on forthcoming list of Top 10 Try Hard things one can do. About the same as belonging to a political party.) There both going straight in the archive. (See future entry for explanation.)

All the consultants look through me as I walk around this building carrying files. They actually think they're ace. You should see the state of most of them too. (Some of them are annoyingly fit though.) I am appropriately humbled, bow my head and think, "There but for the grace of God...."

The Man won't even let me fill up my bottle from the "water cooler". It spreads "germs" apparently. I do anyway.

I'm at work now. Slipping one past the Man. Won't let me check my e-mails will you, Man? Well, I'll have to waste time in another way. (Although I am on my lunch break. Still, it means I can't read my painfully earnest choice of book, The Executioner's Song by Norman Mailer.) Check out Kelvin's blog he started yesterday. (Linked to here. Actually, I haven't got too much time. Just go straight to it. I'll add a link later) It is the sound of a lonely man screaming into the abyss.

*Squeeze "That'll be the Daewoo" into conversation. Preferably with a stranger.

*Buy some culottes.

*Buy a snood.

*Chat up line: "What's your favourite part of the French revolutionary crowd? Mine is the Sans-Culottes."


Monday, June 16, 2003

I've been doing this for two weeks now and I've finally worked out what it is. My brain written down. I don't need a soapbox and can't think what interest anyone would have in my opinions anyway. I don't spend the day thinking about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict or media attitudes to asylum seekers. I also don't think in paragraphs or essays. What's up here is the contents of my mind. Tiny things that keep me amused or perplexed throughout the day. Shamefully, there really isn't too much more to me. I know that sometimes you may find out more than you care to know about me, but that's the nature of the beast. (I do keep some things back. So far.) I was thinking about making this uncomfortably intimate, but writing down my "feelings" would be misleading anyway, I'm very seldom serious, even in my own head. Think this way is more honest if anything. However, I realise that there are some things I'd like to "publish" which wouldn't fit in here. That's why I'm going to do a more structured website. I'd like to get some feedback too, which means I need a guestbook or message board.

*Why isn't "In Bed with Me Dinner" still on?

*Guy at work to my supervisor: "I'm going to Turkey on holiday". "Oh really? That'll be nice. Is it hot?" (She is from South Africa.) "Yeah, it's just by Greece. On the Equator." Brilliant.

*Danny Baker's Saturday morning Radio 1 show, toddlers in crash helmets running into piles of cans. Top Gear is like this now. Sorry Martin, I shouldn't have doubted you.

*Can't get Yahoo on work computers. The f*cking Man.

*Write up mine and Ed's catchphrases from back in the day.

*Think I'm finally getting bored of cheese on toast. Add Worcester sauce?

*Take up Tai Chi?

*Do a detox.

*Become an ascetic. Or a bon viveur.

*Banal is the new profound.

*Should kiss work colleagues goodbye at the end of the day.

*Why can't supermarkets have singles nights, like in San Fransisco in the '70s.

*Imagine having a "cheese board".

*Section for website - "Women you obviously would, no matter what you say."

*Gordon Haskell - Harry's Bar. Stop it. Imagine having it playing when a friend came round.

*Start using staff's names in shops. "Thank you...... Kemi."

*Middle aged bloke in Sainsburys putting whole basket on conveyor belt. Looked surprised when told he had to unpack it. Brilliant. First time mate?


Sunday, June 15, 2003

I was such a Starf*cker last night. (Hate using asterisks, just not sure how the Man feels about cuss-words. Roll on my own website.) We chatted to Amy Lame (Lam-ay, don't know how to do do accents on this.) for about half an hour, she was such a sweetheart. Really gossipy too. Might keep going back to "Duckie" and form a firm friendship with her. Gotta love square-glasses-wearing fat American lesbians. (More women should wear square glasses.)

Went to King's Road today with James. I have never seen so many beautiful girls with expensive sun glasses and pony tails. Despite myself I was intimidated. I don't feel inferior at all to bankers/financiers etc, I find them amusing and pity them for being so boring. These sloanes did make me feel like a hobo though. My scruffy urban hipster chic didn't fit in too well, I kept expecting someone to come up, firmly take me by the arm and quietly ask me to leave Chelsea now please sir.

Have to write something about Reality Check I suppose. Think it only lasted for 2 episodes, but it was awesome. I've followed the career of the presenter, Kate Somebody, for a while now. (I once saw an episode of Model Turned Actor.) She basically tears people apart to their faces, points out their shortcomings and psychoanalyses them. Can't be bothered going into it all, but if you saw the hairdresser episode I was unsettled to see how much one of them was like me. (The one with the long hair.) The presenter really annoyed me for ages..... until I realised the reason. I really, really want to f*ck her.

Haven't bothered setting up a proper site yet. I will do when the K-Dog sends me Dreamweaver.

Best programmes on TV at the moment:

Top Gear (I prefer Right Car, Wrong Car. It's not on at the moment though.)
Nation's Favourite Food
Rough Science
That '70s Show

Some others. I will add to this.

ok. so i'm going to do a proper website then...

of course beyonce.

A lot. To be fair.

avril levigne. of coure i would. but how much would i want to?

write about reality check.

write about comics. how ace they are.

Sh*t. Going to have to drop someone. Ok, it's Joy. She's being replaced by Tara Palmer Tomkinson, or TPT as I like to call her.

OK, so James has gone to the common for another sex. He's been single for, like, 3 weeks and he's already in double figures. Me? Over 3 months and not a sniff. F*ck it. I chatted to John Hegley tonight.

Me and James went to "Duckie" tonight, a club in South London. It was ace, even if there were maybe 3 girls there. Still, I got to harass John Hegley for a while, and then ALM. She was lovely too, said she'd fast-track us through the selection process to end up "on-air".

*Of course "Monkey Harris" is the best character in "Only fools and horses".

*I love Spiderman. And Proust,. Aaahhhhh.

*Why have I played the dirt Rolling Stones song "Beast of Burden" about 5 times today? Apart from that it's ace. Why haven't I noticed this before?

*Read "The league of extraordinary gentlemen" by Alan Moore. It's f*cking skill.

*Call my basil plant "Sybil". Obviously.

*Do a website.

*Buy a guitar tomorrow.

*I wish I could grow a decent moustache.

*Buy Aerosmith - "Pump".

*VH1's sexiest 100. Steve Tyler sexier than Mick Jagger? Dave Grohl sexier than Kurt C? I know it's stupid, but I was still annoyed. Pink?

*Lying on beach in Singapore. Ed listening to "Fast Love" again and again while planes flew overhead. Phone Ed.

My top 5 women as of now......

Parker Posey
Janeane Garafolo
Katie Puckrick
Helen Mirren (any age)
Joy from Drop the Dead Donkey.

List subject to revision.


Saturday, June 14, 2003

Of course "Learn Chess with Gary Kasparov".

Oh yeah, Bargain Hunt this week surpassed all expectations. I know I said before that they couldn't top 4 drag queens, but two teams of Status Quo loving vicars took it pretty close. I particularly liked the credits, when they had an "impromptu" jam. Stop it.

Write about "Reality Check" tomorrow. Especially how you are like the quiet hairdresser.

I'm going to add some more entries from my "pad". Eventually I'll stop explaining what I'm doing and just write shit. I didn't have a pen on me tonight. Gutted. I had some peaches. Incidently, can anyone who has read this please send me an e-mail,, feel like I'm shouting in a cave here. Jeez, that's the booze talking.....

*Are 4 frankfurters and 4 pieces of white bread a balanced meal? (I have taken a vitamin pill too.)

*Must have been hard filming "The Darling Buds of May" - always sunny.

*Michael Howard, knocking out a few zingers there.

*Clarence! (i.e. Ronnie Barker's short lived sitcom and last major appearance.)

*Junior G-man kit.

*I have 4 Roxy music albums.

*"Plasticine Keith." - t-shirt.

*Channel 4's Reality Check and fancying the woman.

*Just once in my life I want someone to refer to me as a "cool customer".

*Villian=Frank Williams.

*Sven's roadshow. This time will be remembered. (If England get through.) Rooney; diamond; new start; always sunny - who needs Wembley?

*Every time goalie touches the ball on its way to the back of the net should be counted as an own goal.

*Owen Hargreaves=my favourite England player. (See also, Greg Rusedski.) Looks like lead in US 1980s teen film. John Cusack to play him? Outsider, likes "soccer".

*"The Road to Welville"=most disappointing film I've ever seen. Text Wayne, it beats "Batteries Not Included."

*Start calling Elvis Costello "Elvis", and other Elvis "Elvis Presley", or just "Presley".

*Annoyed when people who own "My Way, the best of Frank Sinatra" (especially the 1 disc version, not even bothering to buy the filthy 2 disc one) have the temerity to refer to Sinatra as "Frank". They haven't earned it, it's a lack of respect. I own close to 20 albums and have read several biographies, and I would still run shy of the F-word.

I sure am wasted. James is about to go to Clapham Common to have a sex. He has work at 9.00 tomorrow. I have no work. And no sex. Sure do wish I was gay.

I've just finished Careless Love, the second volume of an Elvis biography. I'm no Elvis fan, but I still read 1200 densely-typed pages on "the King". I'm glad I did too, the eventual (inevitable) tragedy cries out to be compared to America's lost promise, blah, blah, blah, nothing you couldn't have thought out yourself. However, for the first time, I actually thought of Elvis as a man, as a human being, not the icon "Elvis" which we're all so familiar with. I know it sounds obvious, but I never actually thought of him as a child, doing stuff kids do. Yada, yada, yada.

We (James and me) went to some dirt pub tonight. It was open until 1am and there sure was kareoke. This was a bit of a curate's egg to be honest. Obviously we put some requests in, but this meant we had to stick around until we had the chance to sing, (2 hours later) so we missed out on going anywhere else. (Walkabout.) Of course I sang. Of course I chose "Shake your Bon-Bon" by Ricky Martin. Of course it went down a storm with the filth that were still there at 0.51. In fairness, there was an Asian girl there who was unbelievably attractive. She had it going on, you know what I'm saying? And she spoke to me, and tried several times to get me to dance. Guess what I did? Bing! Nothing. She was lovely too. I am such a loser.


Wednesday, June 11, 2003

London is such a peach for bumping into people. In the last few months I have seen the following people on the tube as I go to/from work:

Mark Hampson - A friend from school in the Isle of Man.
Joe - Buddy.
Catherine - Ex girlfriend. (BTW I realise that anyone who reads this will know who Catherine and Joe are. Just in case someone arrives here by mistake and decides to stick around.)
Neil - Friend I lived with in Israel for 6 months.
Jessica - Enemy I lived with in Israel for 6 months. Hadn't seen her for 6 years.
Wayne Hemmingway.

Let the record show that I spoke to none of the above.

Tell me someone else saw dinner party inspectors last night. Can't believe I didn't record it. The bit with the loon faced bint doing the "Royal Family Rap" was absolutely unbelievable. Hopefully it will be repeated on E4.


Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Names today:

* J. Hendrix
* R. Oliphant
* J. C. Minge


Monday, June 09, 2003

Oh yeah, one other thing for now. I started a new job today. Sure am a filing clerk. Brilliant. Zac, a Chinese man of a certain age and my new supervisor, was showing me how to find out where a piece of paper should be filed. First one types in the name. What was the name on the form at the top of the pile? Of course it was A. Kunt. Obviously we both remained stoney-faced while he tried out different pronounciations each time he had to say it. (Koont? Kun? Kuntz?)

This....... is....... true.

Friday night was Bon Jovi night on VH1. Brilliant. Within the last 3 months I have had two (count 'em) people say that I look like Jon Bon Jovi. Clearly this is nonsense. In the past year I have also been compared to:

1) Alex Sibley
2) Donny Osmond
3) Gianfranco Zola. (In club with Joe and Dan. Guy comes up to us, says to them, "How good looking is he?! He looks just like a young Gianfranco Zola." Cheers man.)

Any other suggestions will be reluctantly received.

Have quite a lot of stuff to rap at ya about, but I'm pushed for time so I thought I'd put in some more entries from my note pad. The best ones come courtesy of Joe's liquor "cabinet."

*MTV used to be on Channel 14. On what though? Craig and Glen's Dad's TV? Dad's?

*Monday 10pm Sky 1 - "Beam me up totty", Star Trek's hotties. But who is the Treksiest? Who indeed?

*Get into Marilyn Manson.

*Pastis is amazing. Goes cloudy in water. Amazing.

*That guy from New Kids on the Block who had one single out in 1998-9 (?) was just like Justin Timberlake.

*Beyonce Knowles is incredible.

*That bit in "Deliverance". Learn all of it. (Buy a guitar. Or a banjo.)

*T-shirt - "Who's picking the banjo here?"

*Emma Bunton. What do I think of her?

*Why does no one pick Tina as their favourite S-Clubber? (Although Hannah is lovely. Anyone who likes Rachel is so boring.)

*S-club are my age or younger...... what?

*Hicups sure are shit.

*I don't own any REM albums. Why? I quite like them.


Friday, June 06, 2003

In conversation with Martin:

"I prefer Nina Wadia."
"But I would still do Meera Syal. Don't get me wrong."

Yeah. You would.

Rebecca Front....... Hmmmmmmm. Not sure.

To be fair, his Ross-from-friends is good too. Ronnie's Phoebe is rubbish though.

Alistair MacGowan is shit. His Richard Madely is brilliant though. Ronnie Ancona, you so would.

Stop it. Celebrity Fa... sorry, Fit club is on ITV 2. One of the top 5 programmes ever.

For about the last 7 years I have thought about keeping some kind of journal. Not a diary as such, just a note pad I could carry around with me and write down any ideas I had, stuff to ask people, songs to look up etc etc. I finally got one a few weeks ago and have started to use it all the time. There are many ideas in there that I could expand on here, but as I've fallen behind so soon in the race I though I'd just post them in their original form with explanatory notes if necessary. Readers should be aware that I am frequently under an influence or other when I feel the spirit take me. Or have just woken up. Or are half asleep. Here is a selection: (NB these are copied straight from the book.)

Make T-shirt with words "eel helmet" on front.
Other ideas for T-shirt slogans: Debunking Holness; Newsagent Bacon; Cisqo; Mon Pere ce heros; Stefan's face; Guns & Roses; The Swingtown Lads (fictional boy band from the film "Get over it"); Love Scud (their single); The Shitty Beatles. (Band playing off screen in Wayne's World. Meat Loaf informs them that "they suck." "So it's not just a clever name?")

Buy soundtrack to "Get Over It".

Make compilation CD of music from and inspired by "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!"
First song: Welcome to the Jungle - Guns and Roses.
Need a song for each celeb. Wayne Sleep: Tiny Dancer - Elton John. Phil Tufnell: I'm Only Sleeping - The Beatles? No, bit lame, must be a better one. What for Chris Bisson or Sian Lloyd though?
Who would I make this for???

Ambition: To have Stuart Maconie's job. Or be a resident sexpert.

Of course Rough Science. Best programme on television? (This used to be on at 20:30 on BBC 2 on some weekday or other and is ace. It's being repeated at 0:30 on Friday mornings. Worth staying up for. 5 scientists are on an island, have to solve problems using their wits and bits of old bark. e.g. make an accurate weather forecast, record sound, make a map of the island, make paper etc.)
Of course the old chemist. (He's ace. And old.)
Of course the flirting between the physicist and the presenter. (He's a bit of a loser. She's pretty and a bit thick. You definately would though. Her name is Kate Humble.)
Stop it with the fit physicist. (NB not the man mentioned above. A real life lady.)

Of course Claude Rains. (This was while watching "Play it again Sam", Woody Allen's homage to Casablanca.)

Has no one else noticed how good "Changing Rooms" is for great "tail"? Carol Smilie, Linda Barker and Anna Ryder-Richardson. Anna isn't that good. But you would.

Write this book up on blog as it is. Don't dress it up at all.

Four days until the next entry. That is lame. Didn't think I'd tire of this internet thing quite so fast. Don't judge me though, I have been thinking of things to write here, just keep forgetting to get around to it. Old news I know, but the first topic is Monday night's television between 20.00 and 21.00. Obviously I'm talking about "University Challenge: The Professionals". This week had a team of vicars against four commercial lawyers. Much as I don't like Jesus, there was clearly only one team to support, if only because the combined wages, some say stipends, of the clergy would add up to less than the salary of one of the lawyers. Now I may be paranoid, but I'm convinced that they make the questions easier for the grown ups. The music rounds in particular were a walk in the park. (Students in their early '20s have to know about opera, they needed to be familiar with Eric Clapton.) One set of questions was all about albums released in 1972. Stop it. (Answers: Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars; something else; Neil Young.) They got none of them right. Of course, the lawyers got some paltry score like 55. ("Spend less time earning money and more time reading you filth!" Me, 20.47 Monday.) The moral of the story is, doesn't matter how much money you earn, if you care about a career , you are rubbish.

Now I feel I should say a few words about Bargain Hunt. Obviously David Dickinson is rubbish. If you like him then you are trying desperately too hard to be interesting. The programme used to be alright back when it first started and was shown at 11 o'clock in the mornings. Unfortunately, Dickinson realised that tedious students had made him into a folk-hero and it all became far too knowing. However......... I must say I enjoyed it on Monday, mainly because it was a drag queen special. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've seen drag queens before," you say, but not like these ones. They were easily the worst I've ever laid eyes on, looked completely unconvincing (not a problem in itself, but they didn't make up for it with glamour.) and their banter was painfully over-rehearsed. In short, I loved it. My only concern is where they go from here. Like introducing an invisible car into the latest (and worst) James Bond film, the producers have made a rod for their own backs. Why would James Bond take any other car on a mission if he has one which can turn invisible? If he uses the disappearing vehicle though then every chase will be short and boring. Similarly, how can Bargain Hunt top last week's episode? Pre-op transexuals? Dwarves? Giants? Tinkers?


Monday, June 02, 2003

Right. I have a blog now. I have finally joined this "cyber community", only 6 years too late to make me in any way hip and interesting. To be honest, I don't know how this is going to turn out. I suspect that I'll post occaisonal entries over the next few weeks before I tire of it and realise that no one is reading it anyway, and even if they are, they have little interest in whether I'm going to the pub later or not. OR I make this extremely, uncomfortably personal and write as if no one will ever read my thoughts. The idea of venturing into parts of my psyche which I usually leave well alone and using this forum as a way to explore my own dark places does appeal, mainly because I find it funny to be so explicit. I suspect that this blog will go somewhere between the two. I am tempted to only post entries when I'm drunk or chemically unbalanced in some way. I will promise here and now though that anything I write at 3am on a Saturday morning will stay, however badly it reflects on me. Don't really see the point of doing this unless it's warts and all. In the meantime I will try and work out how to add links etc to this.

One thing though. I was just in Sainsburys and spied the front cover of Men's Health magazine. Who buys it? Actually, that's not fair. I can see why one might buy a copy. "Ooh, 'Drive Her Wild In Bed', that sounds good, could do with a coupla new pointers for handling the ladies. 'Six Pack By The Summer'? That'd be nice. I might buy this magazine." But who gets it more than once? Who has a subscription ? How much new research is there on sex tips and abs-toning every 30 days or so. Does one need 12 different sit-up "regimes" a year?

Anyway. Enough of this nonsense.

Peace Out.

Errr. Hi there. don't have any ideas about what to say. See ya.


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