Jah Jah Dub

Thursday, April 29, 2004

Seems like I might be able to import this site into a new Typepad blog. What do you reckon?

Why do people say "gross-out comedy" when "vom com" would work so much better?

Disclaimer: I was looking for the pictures on the front of the Evening Standard yesterday. Can't find them though so you'll have to take my word for it.

I know that narcissism may often play some part in a couple's coming together (Hi Mick! Oh, sorry Bianca.), but I this seems a bit much.

Top tip for drinking on a school night: set alarm for half an hour earlier than usual, take painkillers, drift back to sleep. Peach.


Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Don't know if anyone cares anymore, but I've done another cartoon. The Typepad format's gone all crazy, so it's looking a bit crap. I'm going to try and do about one a week so it might be worth checking every now and again, if you like, like.

Kate Bush a good person to get into? I would have thought so.

- "What's your favourite album?"
- "Hounds of Love. What about you?"
- "... Revolver."
- "I win."
- "Yes. Yes you do."

Just been to HMV. I *really* did try not to buy things that a man in his early forties would be happy with. Left with Springsteen's "The Wild, the Innocent and the E Street Shuffle" and the Greatest Hits of Squeeze. I did try...

Cultural Confessions

I have never:

Seen Gone with the Wind or any Charlie Chaplin film
Read To Kill a Mocking Bird or Wuthering Heights
Watched an episode of Panorama
Been to an opera or seen any classical music performed

To be continued...

I have more dub and Dylan than I know what to do with.
I have never listened to my copy of Trout Mask Replica all the way through.

Check this fly shit out. Chinese DVDs at 99p a pop. Brilliant, and I assume, smuggling.


Monday, April 26, 2004

Paws for Thought

Schools programme on the history of philosophy starring Paws, an anthropomorphic dog puppet. "No, Paws! Get that foam off your face! Occam's razor is not for shaving with!" "Woof?"

Goitre - Skunk band who hit it big in 2001 with their album "No, Mom, they're not too big, they're supposed to look like that". (Included the Top 5 single, "Keg Party".)

This may well have happened already - I am old you know, I have no idea what The Kids are into nowadays - but it seems to me that bratty Skater Punk/Ska Punk should be called "Skunk".

Also from the weekend:

- Harvesters. I'd forgotten about them.

- It seems to be impossible for me to travel on trains in the West Midlands without being sexually harassed by teenage girls. "Hey mister, give me a kiss!" "No. No, I don't think so."

Tuesday March 16th, this site:

- let the record show that I am preparing for a run, sort of for me, mainly for my Dad. It’s for charity, and it’s kind of a family issue. May I also point out that like a child without his P.E. kit, I had to cobble together an outfit of woolly jumper, hat, shorts (non-sport), trainers (sport! bought in a moment of worthiness) and a pair of black socks with "Ian" written on them.

Guess what? It was yesterday. A month or so ago I remember saying to people that I really hoped I didn’t do no training at all, turn up, and stagger round the course coughing up tar as it would be so tediously predictable...

- I’ve started smoking again a few times recently.

- The run was six miles. The longest preparatory run I’d been on was, well, twenty three minutes. However far that is. I pretended to everyone I’d done half hours. This was a face-saving device. What I actually meant was, “the next one will be half an hour. I’m not really lying, I’m telling the truth outside of the constraint of time.”

- I didn’t get any kit in the end. I had to borrow some sports socks from my Dad. (“Hey! No way! I seem to have forgotten my socks...”) Unfortunately my plan to wear my Slade top was scuppered by the free t-shirts they gave out at the start.

- I contrived to not get to Dad’s until 1am on Saturday night. Time up on Sunday morning? 7 am. Ideal preparation.

So far so you knew it was going to happen. However, recently my life-as-sitcom seems to be recasting me away from wayward, incorribible eldest son, and check this – it was fine. Stayed with my Dad the whole way, and if anything, he held me back. (He’d been training several times a week and at any rate has been going to the gym for years. I know he’s got, like, twenty seven years on me, but still...) Came in at just under an hour and didn’t walk at all. Then we had a picnic. Dad, me, Dad’s girlfriend, her children, my Grandpa and Dad’s girlfriend’s mum. The latter two were shamelessly flirting. Twenty first century families, eh? Bloody hell. Obviously I’d forgotten my deodorant so had to steal some from my pseudo step-brother. Went back on the train smelling of Fourteen Year Old Boy, or “Lynx”, as I believe it’s known.


Friday, April 23, 2004


Oh it's so good. If it wasn't for "Big Sam", Bolton could be my favourite team.


Thursday, April 22, 2004

At lunchtime I saw Alistair Appleton interviewing someone on a park bench. Presumably for some property show or other.

For some reason I feel compelled to buy some Cheap Trick. Anyone have any? Can anyone tell me if it's a good idea?

I've done a Correct Opinion on St George's Day. I expect many people won't agree with it. However, if you don't, you are wrong - you should realise this.


Wednesday, April 21, 2004

The Onion is very good today, funnies fans.

Disturbed to see that my nipples are clearly visible through this flimsy top.

I hate myself for writing about this, but I'm vaguely thinking of buying a new mobile phone. If anyone could give me any recommendations/ones to steer clear of, then let me know. I have absolutely no idea about phones anymore, I was shocked looking at dialaphone that they give away free camera phones! Free! I thought they cost a million pounds, were hand crafted and you had to go on a bonemarrow transplant-length waiting list. The idea that I could have one, say tomorrow, I'm finding quite hard to deal with.


Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Note to self: When people ask who your favourite artist is, say Jack Vettriano and inwardly smile at their shock.

Of course I haven't done any new Correct Opinions. Of course I've set up a new Typepad site for them. Think it's going to mutate into more of a recommendations/review sort of thing.

Phenomenon for which no word yet exists #2:

The slight embarassment felt when ordering something in a restaurant and not being quite sure how much of a foreign pronunciation to affect.

e.g. "Hi. Yeah, I'll have one Quattro Stagione, please." (Kwat-ro staj-i-own/kwat-rrrro staaa-jii-on-ie/one of these... etc)

NB This is a similar but nonidentical problem to ordering something French, for instance pain au raisin, to a Spaniard in an Italian Café.


Monday, April 19, 2004

Hilariously, I have to do a six mile run on Sunday. Time to buy some sports socks?

Questions like "who is the best footballer ever?" usually concentrate on the player's success and skill on the field, the latter being difficult to judge objectively. Take a more holistic approach and the answer becomes obvious. On the one hand we have this, on the other, this.

(Note: the answer is that Maradonna is best. Obviously.)

Idea for a company: providing soundtracks to young media-saturated people who feel like they are starring in the film of their life. This could be done with CDs or i-pod playlists. Going through a break up? Why not let me put something together for you? Off the top of my head:

You’re still on my mind – George Jones
One for my baby – Frank Sinatra
Nothing Compares 2 U – Prince
Crying – Roy Orbison
Let it Loose – Rolling Stones
Most of the time – Bob Dylan
Love Hurts – Gram Parsons

This could be done for any life events. Funerals would be best.

Went to a club on Friday night, first time in a while. It started off promisingly enough: the music put a dip in my hip and a glide in my stride, and that’s always welcome. But then they changed DJs, Tone Loc’s Funky Cold Medina gave way to mediocre electro and the spell was broken. Disgruntled yet hopeful we sat out twenty or so minutes of one pedestrian yet apparently acceptable choice after another until cutting our losses. I may have to either stop going out or take to storming DJs’ citadels, a glowstick in my hand and a copy of “Shoop” by Salt n’ Pepper clasped in my teeth. Either way, I’m no longer too interested in participating in this game of people dancing to music they don’t really like, played to them by someone who would secretly rather be pumping out something less credible, but you know, good.

And the night bus broke down. And the next one wasn’t for half an hour. Managed to get the last spicy wings in Chicken Cottage though, so I had my second Cottage Meal in two days.


Sunday, April 18, 2004

This is the fourth good review I've read of Musicology, Prince's new album. I'm saying it quiet, and I'm saying it tentative, but it looks like the Purple One may be back amongst us. It's been a long wait Nelson, please let it be worth it. I'm ready to party like it's 1999, and more than prepared to jerk my body like a horny pony would.

In other news, Chameleon by Herbie Hancock is the stone-coldest slab of funk I've heard in many a moon.


Friday, April 16, 2004

Drinking at lunchtime, eh? Bloody hell. Sure am going to have to concentrate this afternoon too. I've got to do a hard on my own for the first time.

Bit harsh that The Sun always prefixes "Rebecca Loos" with "Sleazy".

I enjoyed this too. Think he has a point. Bored of El Rubio Ingles at the moment. And I never thought I'd type *that*.


Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Once more I find myself squirming on the horns of a dilemma. It seems I have the house to myself tonight. Two films arrived for me today and I would dearly like to see them as soon as possible. However, both are so wonderful that I would also like to watch them with other people and share the experience. Unfortunately, I fear that each may be too intense to go through twice in any short period of time. However, I may not be able to resist... They are The Cable Guy and Trading Places.

Here some opinions for you, completely free of charge. You're welcome to use them as you see fit:

- Jim Carrey is the greatest actor of his generation.

- The Cable Guy is a flawed masterpiece. If it were in French and starred no one you'd ever heard of, but was otherwise *exactly* the same (in fact, if it still had Jim Carrey in, but you'd never seen him in anything else), it would be a cult classic. Boring people at parties would try and chat you up by saying how great it is, "it's really funny, but also dark... the stalker is *really* creepy, but hilarious too. Have you heard of Jim Carrey? No? He's a genius, an incredible physical comedian with an air of real menace. Yeah, I have it on video. I could lend it to you... or you could come round and see it. Looks like you're empty there, can I get you another drink?"

- 18 Again is the finest offering from the 1980s cycle of bodyswap comedies. Forget Mickey Rourke, our greatest loss from that generation of actors is Charlie Schlatter (currently appearing in Diagnosis Murder).

If I were to see a couple walking along the street wearing his and hers matching t-shirts each emblazoned with the legend, "Love's Young Dream", would I feel positive towards them?

Yes. Yes, of course I would. I would think they were amazing.

Ambition of the week:

To use "ixnay".

e.g. "One Big Mac please, ixnay on the ketchup." (Or even better, "One Big Mac please, ixnay on the 'tchup-kay.")

Ska band inspired by the 1950s-set Los Angeles crime novels of James Ellroy:

Scuttlebut and the Hopheads

Idea for band to rock the NME's world:

dorian gray - Young, pretty boys with guitars. Art-rock/post-punk and amoral. From New York or London.

Actually, any takers? I could probably handle the bass and lurk at the back of the stage and behind the others in photos. My shoes would also be stacked.

Something you may not know about me:

Having a "nice speaking voice" (or what passes for one in Leeds), I had to record the phone messages for my department at the Halifax. Work out your own funnies here. ("Of *course* your call is being held in a queue...")


Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Phenomenon for which no word yet exists #1:

The creeping shame you feel when you realise you've just laughed at Coupling.

There's probably an apposite foreign expression. Rire de chien or something.


Monday, April 12, 2004

I can't believe someone's outbid me on this. I'd been eyeing it up for a while.

At present my angels and demons are fighting it out over this.

I have also just bought a putter and some golf balls. My two new hobbies are bedroom-floor-putting-into-a-glass and throwing cards into a hat. I shall be updating my CV accordingly.


Thursday, April 08, 2004

Broker: Do you know what x is? (Where x = impenetrable financial jargon)
Me: No.
Broker: Do you know what y is? (Where y ≈ x)
Me: No.
Broker: ... Have you seen Trading Places?
Me: Yes!
Broker: It’s like that.
Me: Gotcha.

Someone at work just burped the word "penis". Nothing more I can add to that.

Arsenal, Real Madrid and AC Milan crash out in the space of two days... Football, eh? Bloody Hell.

That bet I made for Chelsea to win the thing doesn't seem to foolish now. Ten to one. Beautiful.


Tuesday, April 06, 2004

My new job is curious. Everyone seems alright. They keep laughing hard at jokes which are a bit weak. Not completely poor, just 40% capacity. When I start bringing the funny I will be King of the Office.

I've had two packets of "Sour" Skittles in two days. Unlikely.

Take Martin's Britpop Quiz!

If you like, like.


Friday, April 02, 2004

I've juiced myself up some carrots. That's twice in a year, now. And people thought I was wasting my money buying a juicer.


Thursday, April 01, 2004

I received three text messages before half past eight this morning. Bit much, I thought.


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