Jah Jah Dub

Friday, January 30, 2004

S: Aleestar?
A: ... yeah?
S: You are beautiful... no matter what they say.
A: Cheers. What do you mean, "No matter what they say?"
S: I no understand.

Susanna: Aleestar?
A: Yes?
S: I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. I think about it every night and day. I spread my wings and fly away.
A: Yeah? Peach.

Warning: do not follow this link if you have no interest in football. (That includes Stefan and Pato, who are all about the winning.) The guy's one of my personal heroes.


Thursday, January 29, 2004

We're going to have to wear uniforms to work. That's a fucking peach.

Character I'd "do" first in the Simpsons: Mrs Crabapple. I should point out that this has nothing to do with her being a teacher, and everything to do with the paucity of female characters in the show. Why don't you spend the next hour or so deciding which of the fictional, animated characters holds the greatest sexual attraction for *you*?

(It is of course possible that your job/life is more exciting than mine, and meditating on such a choice seems absurd, or even obscene. In which case, please don't judge me.)

Thought the Big Read was annoying? Check this shit out.

Once I worked for Cambridge City Council. I was to conduct a survey of their housing stock. I needed to take a sample from each street/floor of a tower block and ask them what kind of heating they had.

Good points: I was unsupervised and only had to go to the office once a week. Therefore I never worked a morning AND an afternoon, never worked more than three days in a row, and never worked for more than two hours at a stretch. I managed to stretch it out to a couple of months, timesheeting it as thirty five hours a week. Eventually they became concerned at how long it was taking so I made up the rest of the results.

Bad points: Having to knock on doors all day. Every now and again having to deal with heroin addicts and mentals who thought I was a representative of the Man, come to check up on them. (Despite my trying to pick only the well kept houses in my "random sample.") Also, saying to my girlfriend-of-the-time that I was leaving to go to work and then nipping out, buying a paper and kicking back for the rest of the day was pretty harsh.

I was put in mind of this as I was going to do a top 5 worst jobs list, but my ambivalence about this one left me unsure where to place it.

That is all.

Update: I threw that contract back in their big fat faces. Fear not, my employment situation is still precarious.

So you don't have to read it everywhere else, why not construct your own post about how London is plunged into chaos from twenty minutes of snow? You might like to make reference to the fact that other countries can function in the winter and that it *is* cold every year. For extra points, you could also throw in irrelevant mentions of hosepipe bans, leaves on the line and the "wrong type of snow." Now smile at your biting satire.


Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Pregnant woman: Oh, Alistair, you'll be next!
Me: Chance would be a fine thing...
Pregnant woman: What?
Me: ...

Just found out that the woman I sit by at work is four months pregnant. Didn't see that one coming. Think she was a little offended that I hadn't.

Co-worker 1: We never make any effort at work anymore, do we J-.
Co-worker 2: No, we've got really lazy. Don't you think we look terrible, Alistair?
Me: You're both still beautiful to me.
Them: Ahhhh.

Translation: You're both still the absolute filth.

The Top 5 sum-greater-than-parts-Twofer List:

1) Trinny and Susanna
2) Kate Humble and Physicist from Rough Science
3) Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie
4) Jane Goodall and Frodo
5) Cheryl and Nadine - Girls are Loud (who are a Fivefer)

From an Amazon review of E. V. Rieu's translation of the Iliad, "It is a good book because the themes addressed are still relevent to todays society". Thanks, Sezo from Shrewsbury, but really I was looking for information on the translation. Still, it's nice to know that you think it's a "good book". You seem a little vague though, would you go so far as to describe it as a "cracking read"?

Looks like I may be offered a six month contract, leaving me with a minor dilemma. The work will be a bit harder, but I will have some stability... However, if I accept then I will definitely be here until the summer. On the other hand, I'm so lazy I probably will be anyway... I'll see if they're offering any more money.

Women I didn't used to fancy but now do due to changing tastes and slipping standards/women I don't want to fancy but do:

1) Louise Wener
2) Britney Spears
3) Kirsty Wark
4) Lowrie Turner
5) Fran Drescher


Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Mike Read and Peter Andre spitting vitriol at a burning effigy of Jonathan Ross...

Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest show on Earth has rolled back into town.


Saturday, January 24, 2004

The Amp are showing Britpop videos.

Sleeper - What do I do know?
Menswear - Daydreamer
Lush - Single girl
Mansun - Stripper Vicar

Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, but to be young was very heaven!

This stuff was in the charts once. Wow. I know it's all stiflingly mediocre, but there's a corner of my heart which is forever britpop.

That "Songs I shouldn't like", posting I did... May I add Two Princes by the Spin Doctors? Thank you. Remove anything you like to accommodate it.

REM - Monster = the most underrated album ever? Apart from Sidewinder Sleeps tonight, all their tunes are there! What's the Frequency Kenneth? Star 69, Bang and Blame, A Crush with Eyeliner, for fuck's sake!

NB: I own one REM album. And that is Murmur. And I never listen to it.


Friday, January 23, 2004

That's at least 15 times now. I don't even like the song that much. I just can't be bothered picking anything else. This is crazy.

It's a recurrent theme I know, but Charlotte Church is on Have I Got News For You. She always makes me fell... unsettled.

And that's 5 times.

I've just realised that I've listened to a live version of Rocketman with Elton John and Ryan Adams that I downloaded three times in a row. I never do that. Before tonight I'd probably heard it three times ever. This is out of control.

And again...

I have no idea what the accepted opinion is on this, so I'm going out on a wing. I believe that strict controls should be put in place to prevent human cloning. We have enough fucking humans. Governments and industry should be pouring money into genetic research and then let's start creating centaurs and unicorns. At least that'd be value for money.

Middle aged women I fancied in programmes of my youth:

1) Linda Bellingham
2) Penelope Keith
3) Francesca Annis
4) Penelope Wilton
5) Maureen Lipman

Memo to self: Sell this routine to a rubbish stand up comedian.

I was in Glasgow recently and saw this little old guy. Looked like Yoda. Actually, can you imagine if Yoda was Scottish? That'd be weird wouldn't it? Whole different film. Wonder what he would have sounded like. Probably a something like this...

- Deep fried Mars bar I want.
- Trousers, Donald, where are?
- High road you take, low road I take. In Scotland afore you I be.

God, that'd be weird wouldn't it. Anyway, this old man...

Would it be the filth of me to have, "Contains Nuts", tattooed on my scrotum?

What am I thinking? Of course it would. Please accept my apologies.


Thursday, January 22, 2004

Songs I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to like, but nevertheless, are fucking tunes:

1) You oughta know - Alanis Morissette
2) Ghetto Superstar - Pras (featuring Mya and O.D.B.)
3) All I want for Christmas is you - Mariah Carey
4) Ready to go - Republica
5) Girlfriend - N*Sync

I am not ashamed.

When I was thirteen, this was the funniest thing I'd ever seen.

Happy year of the Monkey, all y'all.


Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Sperm donors to lose anonymity.

Bang goes my pin money.

The fit security guard: checking me out, or just doing her job?

A confession: I find women who chew gum with their mouths open strangely sexy. It has something of the diner waitress about it. (Extra points if pencils are kept in the hair.)

NB: this is in no way a sure-fire route into my affections. It's just some girls, sometimes.

Favourite Sports stars of all time:

1) Ronnie O'Sullivan
2) Paolo Di Canio
3) John McEnroe
4) Ayrton Senna
5) David Gower

Actually, I don't care that much about (4) and (5), but they fit the theme and I wanted people from different sports. (Otherwise I'd replace them with footballers.)

Post-1990 AJ International All Stars:

GK: Luis Chilavert
LB: Paolo Maldini
CB: Laurent Blanc
CB: Fernando Hierro
RB: Lilian Thuram
LW: Roberto Carlos
CM: Carlos Valderrama
CM: Gheorghe Hagi
RW: Karel Poborsky
F: Edmundo
F: Hristo Stoichkov

Subs: Raúl; Francesco Totti; Romario; George Weah.


Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Premiership All Star 11:

************ Fabien Barthez ************

************* Rudd Gullit **************

***Ivan Campo *** Japp Stam *** Phil Neville***

***********Eric Djemba Djemba**********

**Georgi Kinkladze ******* Jay Jay Okocha**

**************Eric Cantona*************

****Faustino Asprilla **** Paolo Di Canio****

Manager: Egil Olsen & Ossie Ardiles

Subs: Tony Yeboah; Andre Kanchelskis; Diego Forlan.


Monday, January 19, 2004

10 PRINT "You know that TV programme that everyone really likes? I don't like it."
20 PRINT "You know that TV programme which most people consider as a guilty pleasure? I think it is worthless rubbish."
30 PRINT "You know that band/musician that everyone thinks are/is talented and good? I think they/he/she is rubbish."
40 PRINT "You know that woman who isn't particularly attractive? I really fancy her."
50 PRINT "You know that TV programme that most people wouldn't like? I think it's good. Really good."
60 PRINT "You know anything hip? I think it's rubbish."
70 PRINT "You know anything you wouldn't expect someone in their mid-20s to like? I really like it."
80 PRINT "Something that no one would ever bother mentioning."
90 PRINT "Vote in my poll!"
100 PRINT "Drunken non sequiturs and nonsense."
110 GOTO 10

You take your eye off the ball for a second and Client play London again. 5/1/04: Mexico City. 8/10/04: London. 12/01/04: Barcelona. I love them, they are trying so hard. Awwww.

There are also some more photos up on their site. They're showing their faces now, which is a fucking sell out. (Although admittedly their looks are the only thing they have going for them. And Client B's not that good.)


Sunday, January 18, 2004

Well, Krackawheat have gone off the boil recently. They are being replaced in my affections by Ryvitas Sesame.

On January 26th the new series of I'm a celebrity... starts. I really can't wait. Neil "Razor" Ruddock, John Lydon, Kerry McFadden, Jordan, Peter Andre, Frank Carson... How can it fail? It won't, it can't.

I'm particularly looking forward to "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here... now!" the extended coverage on ITV2. Hope Mark Durden Smith and TPT are still presenting it.

It would be remiss of me not to draw attention to this story.

I realise that VH1 compile their top 10s solely to rile me, but still... I could cope with Eminem at number ten, he's a big noise, it's OK. So I turn over for a while, go back to see Elvis at number 2. Fine. Assume Number 1 will be John Lennon or some other worthy. But Robbie Williams? Even if you were a big fan, would you actually vote him as the most important man in pop history? Off the top of my head, here is my top ten, in no particular order:

Mick Jagger
David Bowie
Noddy Holder
Frank Sinatra
Ian McCulloch
Al Green
Johnny Cash
Otis Redding
Liam Gallagher

I know it's hopelessly obvious, but one can take unusual opinions too far. Right is right, there's no getting away from it.

My current favourite words are: coxcomb; propinquity. That is all.


Saturday, January 17, 2004

Surely The Faculty is a future classic. I saw it in the cinema twice, and now I'm checking it out again. Also, it's more chock full of fits then any other film I can think of: Bebe Neuwirth; Jordana Brewster; Famke Janssen; Salma Hayek; Clea DuVall, at a push. And from what I can guess, quite a lot for the ladies and gents-who-are-you-know-that-way too. Bonus.

BN! Thanks Wayne! BN, BN, do do, dododo, BN BN! Do do do do &c. I can rest easy tonight.

What are the names of those biscuits from Germany or somewhere else European? They were advertised quite heavily a few years back, with some annoying song of the, "Zoom, zoom, zoom," or, "Ba ba ba ba babybell", variety. They have a smiley face on them.

Someone please help.

Freedom '90 = Best George Michael song? Of course it is. I may do a top 5 at some point. That would be unexpected.


Friday, January 16, 2004

Slade is (yes, I did write, "is") one of the best bands Britain has ever produced. Criminally underrated due to their ugliness and stupid clothes.

Echo and the Bunnymen basically. Why are they not the most famous band in the world?

An update: I have spoken to that new temp. However, I no longer fancy her, so there will be little humiliation to look forward to. What put me off:

1) A closer look.
2) She is younger than I thought.
3) She is stupid.
4) She has a lisp.
5) I think she might like me.

Now reasons (2) through (5) should be pushing all my buttons, so frankly, I don't know what I'm playing at.


Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Sometimes I rail at my eighteen year old self. Why were you such a wanker back then? How could you not have realised that she was interested? What were you playing at? It could all have turned out so differently.

Then I have an evening meal of cheese on toast and an individual Christmas pudding and weep tears of shame thinking of what my teenaged self would think of *me*.

There's a new temp in today, and she's fi-it. I wonder how my inevitable humiliation will manifest itself... Stay tuned for details.

Ok, well that's my week of cartoons over. Any more will appear at the other place. I fear it may take me some time to get back into, you know, writing, so bear with me.


Tuesday, January 13, 2004


I've updated my links a bit. Leila has a new site, not sure how publicised it was. She has a good review of the new Lord of the Rings on it. I haven't seen it, but in my ignorance it sounds about right to me.

I'll do another of these cartoons tonight and then that's my originally planned one week finished. I am quite enjoying them though, so I may well continue.


Monday, January 12, 2004



Sunday, January 11, 2004


Saturday, January 10, 2004

Hey motherfuckers, I have a new site for cartoons only. It be at : this link here.

Check that fly shit out and that.




Friday, January 09, 2004

If I may peek from behind the curtain for a minute, are these cartoons correctly sized? They looked fine at home but here they're pushing my whole "'blog" out of whack.


Thursday, January 08, 2004


The speech bubbles read:

- Just the one can tonight, Ed?
- Yeah, I don't really like drinking anymore.

- Happy New Year!

- That Beyonce's something, huh?
- Yep.


Wednesday, January 07, 2004


Monday, January 05, 2004



Thursday, January 01, 2004

Hey, look at the time! Yes I am at home, yes I am by a computer. What a fucking bum. I *have* watched two Richard Pryor DVDs tonight though. And I be talking about, that motherfucker be funny.


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