Jah Jah Dub

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Check me out, I'm doing another Friday Five and everything!

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?

I am genuinely not sure that I've accomplished anything this year. I've made a massive dent on my unread books... I've sort of got my spending under control... I've been single for nine months... I'm even cooler than I was last year... That's about the size of it.

2. What was your biggest disappointment?

Still not having any money? Actually, I'm not particularly disappointed about anything. Make up your own funny for this answer.

3. What do you hope the new year brings?

A piece of coal. A coin.

4. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions? If yes, what will they be?

Off the top of my head:

- Appear on a quiz show. Preferably "No Win No Fee with Paul Ross".
- Become portly.
- Never buy another pair of jeans.
- Buy some more suits.
- Contract the gout. Or dropsy.
- Get a job that will stop my family from hassling me.
- Not to get a girlfriend.

5. What are your plans for New Year's Eve?

Staying in, drinking booze with pals. All welcome!

Well, Susan Sarandon sure is fit.

Watching Christina Aguilera's Dirrty video for the four hundreth time. Worked out the easy-way-to-Al's-heart/loins. Black make up around the eyes. Obviously Chrissie looks like a soap-dodger/Swampy's girlfriend, but her eyes are good. And that's a fact.

Dirty Sanchez, again and again. Always funny.

In your face, El profesor.

Actually, he's being a bit of a prick now. Bring it back, Jackie, bring it back.

I was a whisker away from entering the racist post, "I wish I was Jewish, Black... or Welsh." That would have been bad. ("So you're just having your cake and eating it here then?" "Yes. Yum Yum.")

Richard Pryor? Schmichard Schmyor. Jackie Mason all the way you schmuck.


Friday, December 26, 2003

The fucking Muppets' Christmas Carol better be in this list. No, Matt Lucas, The Muppets take Manhatten is NOT the best Muppets film.

Disappointment of the night: James setting the video for Two Pints of Lager and a packet of Crisps thinking that it was the musical episode. Unfortunately it was just some of the usual workaday filth.

James: I didn't realise Sidney Poitier was black...
Me: I assume you're joking...
James: No. I thought he was French.

Round of applause please.

Do I fancy Denise Van Outen more than I care to admit, or do I not find her as attractive as my brain says I should? (Face? Check. Body? Check. Accent? Check.) I can't decide.

Note to self: Make a compilation CD based on my friends. Idea 1- Beef Queen = Little James by Oasis.

The 100 Greatest Musicals on Channel 4. If number 1 is not Singing in the Rain I will be enraged. Bet it's Grease. Actually, it's only part 1 tonight. My wrath will be postponed.

Michael Barrymore: greatest television genius of the last twenty years?

Top 5 women in comedy. (To have a sex with)

1) Caroline Aherne
2) That rough blonde one from off of "Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps"
3) Fiona Allen
4) Connie Booth
5) Ronnie Ancona

We just watched the Christmas edition of "Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps". I hold my hands up... it was brilliant. This may come more from the two bottles of wine I've guzzled than the writing. Who knows?

All together now, "You're my darlin', you're my biscuit. Going to say it again in case you missed it..."

Amusing event of the day

I fall asleep on the sofa at about 19.00. Wake up at 19:45 needing to relieve myself. I dash upstairs and begin. (Dear Reader, trust me that I wouldn’t be so graphic if it was not essential to the telling of the tale.) I start to feel a bit weird. Next thing I know I’m waking up on the bathroom floor in a puddle of blood. Joining the dots, I assume I fainted, hit my face on the bowl, fell and knocked the back of my head. Either way, I managed to cut myself in two places, and bled for a couple of hours. The one on my eyebrow is fairly deep, and I suspect will scar. Scars are undeniably cool, and I’m still waiting for one tracing out a cheekbone. But I digress. I think I’ll have to make up a cover story. "What this? Oh, I fainted and smacked my face on the shitter. Can I have your number?" may not be an A-grade route to success.

Christmas roundup

An excellent haul of presents this year. Some highlights:

- A toy monkey to be hung from a hook which swings when you press the button on its foot. Also motion sensitive.

- A Polaroid camera which takes pictures on stickers. Stickers!

- A print from 1840 of an ape. I think it’s a gibbon. It is magnificent.

- Tony and Georgio’s cookbook. Fantastic. Too many references to Vinnie Jones though.

Wooden spoon: A CD of music performed by the Royal Philharmonic inspired by the music of Queen. No, I don’t know either.


Tuesday, December 23, 2003

A Merry Christmas to you all.

I thought I might be spending it alone this year, with only a box of wine for company. Obviously I would have started early and shared my mounting depression and inebriation with an internet, but it looks like I’ll have a nice time, with company and everything.

Apologies for any loss of schadenfreude caused.

I am only interested in ‘going out’ with girls from the following professions:

Cheryl Tweedying

If you know any spare fits from these fields then get in touch.

Ian Penfold is leaving. Brilliant. He’s the nearest thing to a friend I have here. I am now the only male working in this department, and the only temp remaining. Last man standing and all that.

Well, I'm in first today. I didn't expect that.


Monday, December 22, 2003

Thought I had some hilarious anecdote to share. Needless to say, I don't.

The Muppets Christmas Carol lived up to expectations. Excellent, as usual.

An image from Louis Theroux last night has provided me with my latest good-name-for-a-band: Nazi in a Sombrero.


Saturday, December 20, 2003

Well, Young Einstein isn't the classic I remembered.

The world and his dog was trying to persuade me to come to the Christmas party tonight. I confided to my "friend", Ian, that one of the reasons why I wasn't keen was that I feared having a sex with Susanna. At first he thought that I was joking. Then he looked at me, and all colour drained from his face as he realised I was serious.

NB. Ian is 37, with a big beer belly, grey hair and glasses - like Penfold gone to seed. He had said that he had low standards. Even he was shocked.


Friday, December 19, 2003

Just seen a sexy thirtysomething Fay Ripleyalike. Where have you been hiding, my lovely?

My first and possibly my only Friday Five:

1. List your five favourite beverages.

Beer, red wine, water, lemon lucazade, passionfruit juice. Usually in that order.

2. List your five favourite websites.
Must resist the temptation to put a stupid answer here. I’m not really into internets. The usual suspects, I suppose: Real Madrid homepage; Jah Jah Dub; Amazon’s David Attenborough page; friends’ sites; and another one, BBC/Guardian/whatever.

3. List your five favourite snack foods.

Krackawheat, Walkers Salt and Lineker, Fry’s Peppermint Cream bars, Frazzles, Chow Mein Pot Noodles.

4. List your five favourite board and/or card games.

(Operation, Hungry Hippos, Mousetrap, Buckeroo… blah, blah, blah…) Poker (7 card stud), Cheat, Pictionary, Trivial Pursuits. I assume I’d like Risk. I’ve never played it though.

5. List your five favourite computer and/or game system games.

I rarely play them now, what with being a grown up and all. However, entering into the spirit of this, Mario Golf (N64), Danger UXB (Acorn Electron), Streetfighter Alpha (PS1), ISS Pro Evolution (PS1), Wing Commander (PC – 386).


Thursday, December 18, 2003

Wow, spending eleven hours at work sure does suck.

I've been offered a ticket to the free booze Christmas party tomorrow. I declined. It could be fun, but the non-pecuniary cost - obviously, let's face it, having sex with Susanna - is just too high.

Just been out for a "Christmas drink". Me and five middle aged women. Beautiful.

Programmes I'm waiting to see repeated:

1) Joking Apart
2) Civilisation
3) Cardiac Arrest
4) The Shock of the New
5) Josse's Giants

The Best Christmas Songs:

1) Baby it's cold outside - Dean Martin
2) Christmas (Baby please come home) - Darlene Love
3) I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus - The Ronettes
4) Santa Baby - Eartha Kitt
5) The Christmas Song - Nat "King" Cole


Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Sailors on shore leave should pay more attention to Frank Sinatra and Gene Kelly in Anchors Aweigh. Less brawling and whoring, more singing, dancing and befriending small boys.

Watching a French quiz show on TV5. The answer to one of the questions was, "Johnny Eengleesh." Unfortunately our plucky contestant had said, "Meester Bean".

New National Anthem. My vote is for "She Sells Sanctuary". Kelvin wants "Black Steel" by Tricky.

Martin called and told me how to get the heating on. I am no longer shivering. Result.

Love Mick Jagger's obvious backing vocals on Carly Simon's "You're so vain."

I went home at 11.00, cradling my poor head in both hands, feeling each bump of the bus shock through my brain. Deep breaths, deep breaths, you won't be sick... I even sat on the lower floor. Got back, went straight to bed. Woke up about fifteen minutes ago, not feeling so bad now, although I can sense a little imp poking out from behind the curtains the painkillers put up for me. It's fucking freezing in here too. Think I've worked out how to bypass the timer on the heating. I could of course put some proper clothes on, but that would miss the point of being Sick Off Work.

Ow, ow! Migraine. Can't see properly, can't see properly...


Sunday, December 14, 2003

Big Ron is on Room 101 tomorrow. Don't say I didn't warn you.

James and I have made a pact. Bet I win. This is only up here to remind me.

Watching 40 Days and 40 nights. It really resonates with me. Imagine giving up sex for 40 whole days. What an ordeal.


Saturday, December 13, 2003

Is this the best news story ever? Of course it is.


Friday, December 12, 2003

Oh man, Kate Somebody is on TV now (The Look of Lurve, ITV). What a pleasant surprise.

Melanie Blatt could possibly edge into my Top 10. (Watching VH1's 100 Greatest Women)

After extensive research I now know that Cheryl is my favourite Girls Are Loud. I thought it may have been Nadine, so I feel a bit dirty now. (Although Nadine was born in 1985. Think about it.)

Cycloptic, dead, arsonist Lisa Lopez raps like that one from Love City Groove.

Favourite words beginning with - l:


Favourite words beginning with - r:


Favourite words:


I'm starting to really hate the Samoan. No good reason.

There are eight people in my "team". Three have shown up. Two are temps. It's going to be a fun day.

British Comedy Awards - Jordan and Leslie Philips. That must have sounded better on paper... to lazy ITV hacks.


Thursday, December 11, 2003

Why drink anything else? And with Christmas just around the corner too...

Awww, that's nice.


I'm sure I heard once about ancient Egyptians training baboons as waiters. It sounds unlikely. One minute's research on Google has not yielded any proof.

The zip on my trousers has become worryingly unreliable.

Crazy how men complain that women use their "feminine wiles" to get things done. I use my masculine ones all the time. Interviewer I always hope for? A middle aged woman. I can pitch it somewhere between attentive-son-she-never-had and toy boy. Bonus.

Unexpected event of the day #3:

Everyone is on holiday or has gone to the doctor. I am left with a computer and every opportunity to indulge my work shyness. Unforunately, I have very little to say.

Unexpected event of the day #2:

One of the security guards here is really fit. I like to think of her as an Italian princess. (Her nationality is, as yet, unknown.)

Unexpected event of the day #1:

Someone outside the office is riding a Segway.


Wednesday, December 10, 2003

I dreamt last night that Ian McCulloch came to my house. He was visiting all Echo and the Bunnymen fans in turn. (Insert own "that won't take long," joke here) I couldn't find my Crocodiles LP but he signed my CD of Ocean Rain. Nice chap, if a touch cocky.

Saturday 20th December: I will be watching The Muppets' Christmas Carol and drinking mulled wine. It'll be all festive and everything. Open invitation to anyone who wants to come around. It's a gathering/party, depending on how many people turn up.


Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Saw a file today for a Mr A. Lou-Louie. Wish I could meet him and shout "Oh no, me gotta go," after he introduced himself.

Ian is writing...

Susanna: Oh, you are left-handwriting...
Ian: Excuse me?
Susanna: You use your left hand... to write.
Ian: Oh. Yes, I'm left handed.
Susanna: There is a shop for how-you-say, left hand writers in Soho. We should go sometime. Maybe after work one day?
Ian: So you're left handed too?
Susanna: No.


Saturday, December 06, 2003

I fear that watching my Sopranos DVDs and listening to Richard Pryor have given me quite the potty mouth.


Friday, December 05, 2003

Well, my end of year review thing is dying on its arse. E-mail me your choices and I'll put them up. If it's beneath you then I'll pick my own.

People can be separated in various ways. Julie Christie or Kelly Osbourne? Chimps or Orangs? Vice or Versa? In my generation, or at least, in my house, it was Becker or Edberg. I was always Edberg. Now I have an affection for Boris. Curious.

Our world today only makes space for the crushingly mediocre.

At home, listening to Frank Sinatra's Only The Lonely (1959), chatting to Kelvin, drinking a glass of red wine. Who needs "clubs"?

My nemesis is in the new building with me. We have exchanged few words, I once asked him where someone sat (the girl I fancied and found out was married, if you can remember her) and he replied tersely. That is the extent of our discourse, yet I hate him with a force I'd not have thought possible. He clearly despises me too. He is around forty, sandy haired, ineffectual and weak chinned. Somehow our bladders seem to have become synchronised. It's only a matter of time until we shoulder barge each other in corridors. I saw him in the bathroom today. He didn't wash his hands. Dirty bastard.

Big shout out to my homies in RIPE Network Coordination Centre in Amsterdam. I don't know who you are, but welcome, make yourselves at home.

What I spend my money on:

- CDs
- "Going out"
- Chickpeas

What I should spend my money on:

- Suits
- Flowers
- Opera tickets

My unspoken ambition to lead a life of rare sophistication and refinement is constantly thwarted by my getting shitfaced at every opportunity and my lack of ambition to find a job which allows me to live at any level beyond "subsistence".

Note to self: make Paisley pattern the new Burberry.

If it doesn't work out, you can always follow up with,

"You make me realise that I was premature in speaking to you... of the charms of youth. I should have done you a greater service had I pointed out to you its thoughtlessness, its inconsequence, and its want of comprehension."

What's that? You want a chat up line from Proust? Very well then...

"You have not, perhaps, any personal merit - I've no idea, so few people have! But for a time at least you have youth, and that is always an attraction."

El Derbi tomorrow. Excellent.

For geeks like me who (not so) secretly worship El Rey David, you can find reports of his preternaturnal progress here and here.

I've just gone to Chicken Cottage. Sober too. Extraordinary. Shamed by the way I was greeted, "Hey my friend! No spicy wings so you must have a Number 1, I know how much you like the Number 3!" I had no recollection of ever having seen this gentleman before.


Wednesday, December 03, 2003

Damn this interminable wait! Set, milk jelly, set!

In the kitchen, a poster. It is for a band made up of work colleagues. Their name? "The Dirty Riffs".

A better name I just thought of, free to anyone who wants it, "Slippery Hippo".

Anyone know what happened to Catherine Humble? She was a fox.

Every day I put pieces of paper in cardboard folders. Before I finish my feet and back are aching. I return to my "area" and there is more. No matter how fast or efficiently I work, there is always more. I am Sisyphus. More London Place is my Hades.

Still, worse things happen at sea, eh?

The three cafés in my building are called Mulberry, Mocha and Cinnamon. How ghastly.

Today at work:

My one work friend, Ian (naturally), and I were discussing one of the more attractive women we work with/for.

Ian: She's engaged.
Me: Yeah?
Ian: Yeah mate, they're the worst, still in love. At least if they're married you've got half a chance.

NB Ian is a divorcé.


Tuesday, December 02, 2003

Post haircut comparison #1: Tommy fucking Hilfiger. I should point out that the comment was retracted when this picture was brought up.

Major clamp down by the Man on internet use. No postings from work any longer, I fear.

I don't think Susanna likes my new hair. She keeps looking at me wistfully and saying, "you look so different..."


I have managed to snatch a few minutes on a computer. Can't think of anything to say now.

Most heterosexual men I know are single. Most heterosexual women I know are attached. Assuming each person only goes out with one other, somewhere there must be a pool of available women. I suspect it's the elderly.


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