Jah Jah Dub

Sunday, August 31, 2003

Fact #12:

I watched Michael Owen's debut for England at Wembley.

Pirates of the Caribbean was everything I expected and more. In fairness, it *did* go on a bit, but Johnny Depp was awesome. And there were fighting skellingtons.
And an *evil* monkey.


Saturday, August 30, 2003

Things people don't make jokes about anymore #1:

Ferrets in trousers.

In the interests of cosmic balance, here comes the underrated list:

1) Mick Jagger
2) Prince
3) The Anglo-American war of 1812
3) Mustaches
4) Diego Forlan
5) The Mexican Revolution
6) Sammy Davis Jnr
7) Francis A. and Albert K.
8) Hugh Grant
9) E.T.
10) The Boss

Fact #11:

(So far) I have never broken any bones.

Oh yeah, of course I put my hands in my back pockets at 5:35 and ripped my trousers across my arse. Brilliant. Sure did have to wear them all night.

Last night:

Went out to the pub after work as three people were leaving. There are about 4 half-way interesting people at my work, two of them were there, but talking to other people. So, I end up speaking to the most boring man in the world, a quiet-talker, who made his six months travelling in Africa sound extremely tedious. Of course his name was Kevin. Actually, to be fair it was Jeff. Either way. So... I bought some cigarettes. And smoked them. Shit. It got better though. Notes I made:

- Cardboard cut out for England matches - Live the dream. Players were Mills, Beattie, Alan Smith and Emile Heskey.
- Of course talking to Betti - touching her hair a lot. Hmmm.
- 4 pints by 8pm, it's going to be a good night.

Go to meet James, go to Client with Jo and Leila. They were as pleasingly mediocre as ever. Client A was awesome. Obviously. She's cemented her place in my top 5 women of all time, ever. Of course I was right at the front in the middle.

Went to Underworld. Was good. A girl forced me to dance with her. I performed a few perfunctory twirls and made good my escape.

Whilst walking to the bus stop I brushed shoulders with someone. I happen to turn round, he turns around, suddenly he's all in my face and shit. I put my hand up to try and keep him back a bit and he headbuts me. Then his mate punches me in the face. Then we go our separate ways. This is the second time I've been hit for no reason, and both times I've been disappointed by my calm. I was all like, "hey mate, calm down, no reason to hit me", rather than hitting back. Maybe I'm more Christian than I think. Or not.

Sure do have a black eye today. My top sure is covered in dried blood.

Well, that was an interesting night. Sure was headbutted. Brilliant. Update tomorrow.


Friday, August 29, 2003

Fact #10:

My first pet was a guinea pig called Snowy.

Most overrated people ever:

1) Mohammed Ali
2) Jack Nicholson
3) The Dalai Lama
4) Sean Connery
5) Dean Martin
6) Mother Theresa
7) Huey from the Fun Loving Criminals
8) Gandhi
9) Keith Richards
10) Leonardo Da Vinci

Bubbling under: Bill Clinton, Samuel L. Jackson.

Most overrated films ever:

1) Raging Bull
2) Schindler’s List
3) Star Wars
4) Apocalypse Now
5) Blade Runner

The nominees for the "Emperor's no clothes" award are:

-The Clash
-Lou Reed
-The Doors
-Robert De Niro

Of course Bob Mills's joke about Carly Simon and Patti LaBelle doing a song together called, "App-ree-kot Mar-Mar-lahd" doesn't work at all when written down unless accompanied by a tedious and lengthy explanation.

The Man has finally caught up with me to sign all this shee-it for Ernst and Young. My favourites so far:

DO behave in a responsible manner.
DO dress sensibly.
DO NOT use foul or abusive language in any circumstances.
DO NOT use drugs, other than for medication.

Had a good night's rest too. No dreams about footballers. Possibly something about a herb. Can't really remember. Thanks for the advice James, I slept like a log...

Bollocks. Forgot yesterday's fact. This is becoming almost as much of a bind as those haikus. Ummmm.....

Fact #9:

I am apparently related to Woodrow Wilson.


Thursday, August 28, 2003

Can't believe I haven't put this up before. All of heterosexual male-female relations is illustrated by this exchange between Wayne and his ex-girlfriend, Belinda.

They are outside a newsagent...

Wayne: I'm just going to go in and get a packet of crisps, do you want anything?
Bel: No, I'm alright, thanks.
Wayne: You sure? I'm getting some myself anyway. You don't want any crisps or anything?
Bel: No thanks, really.

Wayne goes into shop, buys a packet of crisps. Exits, opens them.


Bel: Can I have a crisp?
Wayne: No!
Bel: Oh go on, just one!
Wayne: No, I asked you twice, you didn't want anything. I'd have bought you a whole pack, you've missed your chance now.
Bel: I don't want a whole pack, I only want one.
Wayne: Well, you can't have any.
Bel: Is it because I'm fat?

I thank you.

- Start a Client fanzine
- Of course an Adam and Joe repeat making fun of Liquid News's Christopher Price.
- Is "Connie" (however spelt) a guarentee of fitness? Item A: Booth. Item B: Huq
- Room 101s: walking down broken escalators; people saying "haitch".

I need to take this Fantasy Football league much less seriously. I've had restless, dozing nights of sleep every day this week. I keep waking up thinking of Mendieta and Henry. And no, I'm not thinking of them in *that* way.

Of course I just saw the front door security guard in the street drinking special brew. Of course he saw me clocking the can in his hand. Brilliant.

The best presents I’ve ever given:

1) This shark with this gorilla glued to its back. (Recipient – Ben Winyard)
2) Steve Ogrizovic t-shirt. (Recipient – Wayne Gardner)
3) Bedtime for Bonzo video. (Recipient – Mike Kewley)

My dream is still to leave a puppy in a box for someone I don’t know that well. “Right, thanks. Now I have to keep it and completely change my lifestyle, have the hassle of selling it, or I have it put down. Cheers.” “But I thought you liked dogs…”


Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Fact #8:

I share my birthday with Bill Cosby, Milton Berle, Pablo Neruda, Cheryl Ladd and Oscar Hammerstein II.

You may or may not remember a girl called Suzanna who was "getting ideas" a couple of months ago. I was pretty sure that I'd escaped her attentions, but she's just come back from a fortnight's holiday seemingly full of vim and vigour. She chastised me this morning for not saying "hello" to her yesterday, when I'm sure that I did. She also told me off for not making the usual effort with my hair. That's right, the hair that I haven't bothered to have had cut in almost 4 months. She caught me talking to Stefan on icq too, and then demanded I introduce her to him and whether or not he had a big penis.

Work is about 10 times better today than yesterday.

To anyone who has not bought me a birthday present yet and is still considering it, I would like to draw your attention to two little beauties in the window of a Christian book shop on the Strand:

- Living a Life of Principled Obedience
- Evolution: Fact or Fiction?

Hang on... My internet is working again.

And Judith's back. Yay!


Tuesday, August 26, 2003

I've calmed down a lot now.

Here's a post I wrote earlier but couldn't put up.

15:48: For fuck's sake, check this out, the hits keep coming.

I used to work with two other people. Judith went on holiday and was due back last Monday. Didn't show. Still not back. Ian is off for two weeks now too, so that's 10 days I've been running the department on my own - taking all the shit from the arsey clients etc. I phone my agency last week to book Monday off (otherwise not paid) and see how much holiday I have left. 12 days. Peach. So I've been looking forward to my 2 and a half weeks off all weekend. Think today, "Hmmm, wonder when I have to take them by?" I phone to check. Guess when? June... 2003. They're gone! Brilliant. No one told me the deadline was coming up, but they're gone. Cheers Cheryl, you fucking bitch, for your empathetic, "well, I know it seems unfair, but it's not our responsibility to keep track of it..." Go fuck yourself, and by the way, that tattoo on your fat arm is really, really ugly.


I can't get on the internet as from this afternoon, need a password - it was the only thing that was keeping me sane. So, I talk to no one all day except wanker-clients and now I can't even get on the BBC website, let alone blogs or Friendster.

This could be it, the straw that broke the camel's back.

Own the rage, Al. Own it! Own the rage... own the rage... own the rage...

Fact #7:

I have a scar encircling my left ring toe. A hair got wrapped around it when I was a baby.


Monday, August 25, 2003

Fact #6:

I have not smoked a cigarette in seven days. This is the longest I have gone without since I was 20.

Fact #5:

I am a fucking wanker.


Saturday, August 23, 2003

Jeez. I'm trying to download Senorita by Justin Timberlake but the Man ain't giving me any love. Just keep getting static. Come on The Man, you want me to pay for music now do you? I hate living in a fascist state.

Fact #4:

Liz is my favourite member of Atomic Kitten.

I've just downloaded the video for Afroman's "Because I got high". I only meant to get the song.


Friday, August 22, 2003

Fact #3:

I know neither my height, nor my weight, to any reasonable degree of accuracy.

Best/Worst things I’ve bought whilst drunk.

(NB This is a similar but not identical list to "The Ten Most Stupid Things I've done with a computer whilst drunk." Many of these entries would feature, but there would also be the abusive e-mail I sent to the head of the Cambridge University Monty Python society and various messages to girls.)

10) The "Greatest Number 1 Hits - Randy Travis" CD
9) "The Essential Waylon Jennings" CD
8) David Attenborough DVD Boxset
7) "Point of No Return" CD. I meant to buy, "No one cares".
6) The World at War DVD Boxset *
5) Best of I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here Series 1 DVD (+)
4) "Who Put the Ball in the German’s Net - Ole Gunnar Solskjaer!" Video
3) "Arthur" DVD
2) "HMS Pinafore" CD (+)
1) A plane ticket to Genoa. I thought I was buying a ticket to Goa. Made more sense at the time. Sure was wasted. *

* : In the interests of full disclosure, these items were returned.

(+) : I may not even have been drunk for these. Let’s pretend I was.


Thursday, August 21, 2003

At last! A route out of my poverty and general malaise. See yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Fact #2:

My "index toe" is longer than my big toe. This means I never stoop to pick things up.

Spilt loads of coffee down my niiiice whiiiite shirt earlier. Went to toilets, washed it out. Shirt soaking. Eventually it dries off and I look a bit less of an odd. Just went to get some water. Sure did pour half of it down my shirt. Sure am a spazz.

Well, Beck was ace. There were a few earnest moments, but mostly he was all about the throwing shapes, wearing a glow in the dark suit for the encore, covering "Do you Realise?" and a blues-funk-slide-guitar-jam which morphed into "Loser". He also did a medly of Hot in Herre, Crazy in Love and Rock your Body (all 3 of which were on one of the party CDs I made).

Yeah, I probably still would.


Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Anyone want to go and see the rubbish band, Client, next Friday with me? Failing that, they're also playing in October. I will be at both gigs. Bear in mind though, they are thoroughly mediocre.

Fact #1:

I always used to say that if I had to shag a man it'd be Beck.

Going to see him tonight at the Brixton Academy. Could be an interesting evening...

Think I might rip off James's stolen idea of putting a fact about oneself up every day...

Finished reading the Origins of the Second World War. Now I have a new annoying opinion I can pretend to hold - I'm laying the blame for the outbreak of hostilities squarely on Polish intransigence! Bet you didn't see that one coming.


Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Yay! Mendieta to Boro. Yay!

So I played Champ Manager for two hours last night and didn't end up eating until half ten. Then I had a brainwave in the shower this morning and had to put it on again. With Giggs and Beckham injured (fucking broken leg, out for six months) the answer was staring me in the face... wing-backs! Of course wing-backs. Also, I wanted to put in a bid for Rooney and Hugo Viana and see how Wes Brown was coping with his injury. Upshot? Missed my train and was twenty minutes late for work.

Beat Sparta Prague though and qualified for the second leg of the Champions League with a game in hand. Stop it.


Monday, August 18, 2003

Big shout out to everyone who came to our party this weekend. I certainly had a good time, I hope you all did too. Remarkably, nothing was broken, no one was sick and no games consoles were turned on. Still, at least there was a table jumping competition to decide once and for all who is the Gamma-male. I'd wager there'll be photos up on Martin and Stefan's websites before too long.

Started playing Championship Manager last night. I fear that my life is no longer my own...

Check out this loser. He's talking about the best advert I've ever seen.


Friday, August 15, 2003

For fans of my half-arsed attempts to land on my feet in a job I don't mind and which pays enough to eat meat, here are the highlights of my Civil Service Assessment Board feedback.

1) I was strongest in the interviews. This is a pleasing development as I was beginning to fear that I was Rainman. Also, I knew that the Chair wanted "it". Give me a middle aged woman interviewer every time. Hitting the right balance between the-attentive-son-they-wish-they-had and the prospective-lover-who-can-appreciate-their-beauty-and-make-them-feel-again-like-an-attractive-woman is hard, but ultimately rewarding. (But not in this case.)

2) I showed strong evidence of being able to think "outside of the box". Of course I did! Coming up with unexpected opinions is all I do all day.

3) I fucked up the policy exercise. Thanks, I know. I was writing it as if I had three hours. Sure did have two. Only sunk in completely with ten minutes to go.

4) I would have done better in the team exercises if I'd used my opponents', sorry, co-candidates' names. Brilliant.

5) I should have paid more attention to the wider concerns of society in my arguments. Sorry Jack, I'm working for the Department of Social Affairs, and I'm giving my all for them, even if they don't exist and this is an exercise. Perhaps I should have made clear to everyone that the offer from a private company for government land that I suggested we accept was massively below market rates. Still, I got everything my department wanted done. Surely I win then? Unlike rubbish Andy, he wanted three local health centres but I busted his balls and he gave up two thirds of his budget to invest in a teaching hospital that I wanted. I so won that exercise, and built an empire to boot. They sucked.

A couple of opinions I've been kicking around for a while and forgotten to put up here. They seem pretty mundane now, but here they are:

1) Men are much more romantic and impulsive than women. Women act with reason and rationality.

2) Far from being feminine, gay men are actually ultra-masculine.

And the realisation that I will never bother attending any classes, and that it will only ever be a half-formed thought that I will cling to like a buoy in the mid-Atlantic that is my life.

What to say... what to say... My mind is quite empty. No fear, rage nor lust intrudes upon it, just a vague idea that I might take up Wing Chun Kung Fu.

Man, I'm bored.

NB: This is just run of the mill boredom, not the post-millennial ennui with which I was stricken the other day.

Check this whole fly shit out. Album released on Monday...


Thursday, August 14, 2003

Hmmmm... Rebrov to Charlton, eh?

Just phoned the Student Loans Company. What's their "hold" music? Of course, "Place Your Hands" by Reef. Obviously they need a tune that *all* students like. Especially the ones who are 18.


Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Just delivered some files to some guy downstairs who looks like a grown-up version of that antique-dealing child who was on Wogan with Frank Skinner about fifteen or so years ago and seemed old beyond his years with a sort of cherubic-blonde-curled-Little-Lord-Fauntleroy thing going on.

It isn't him though.

That kid had a sex change a couple of years back.

My favourite Royals, from best to worst:

1) Duke of Edinburgh
2) Prince Harry
3) Andrew/Fergie
4) Prince Charles
5) All the others
6) Prince William
7) The Queen

I’m not just being contrary. It seems to me that if you don’t believe in the divine right of kings, or think that things are good just because they’ve always been there, then the only point of having a royal family is to add to the general gaiety of the nation. Who could argue that Prince Philip is not better value than the Queen, with all her supposed “dignity”?

At last there are some good transfers and the season is looking up.
Chelsea have been doing their bit, especially with the signings of Veron and Mutu. Charlton have picked up God's gift to the Premiership, even filthy Spurs have got Postiga. (The new Rebrov.) Man Utd are, as usual, doing the most though: a keeper with Tourettes; Eric Djemba Djemba; a world cup winner and a different Ronaldo.

What I hope for: Joaquin and Puyol to ManU
Mendieta to Middlesborough

Then the season may start.


Tuesday, August 12, 2003

Of course a 50 year old secretary just walked past in a sleeveless top. Of course she has a tattoo of a bass guitar on her shoulder. That is so classy.

Well, that meeting earlier was a... world... of... pain... Completely pointless and often excruciating. Re earlier file-based philosophical teaser, of course the file is with the client. (If you have to pick one or the other rather than the more obvious "there is no file as yet.") The file is the *information*, not the cover and reference number. I was the only person who thought this though.

Other personality types (, as tested over the weekend:

Joe - Mastermind
James - Accountant
Martin - Judge
Emma - Dreamer
Leila - Politician

Think you could have guessed about half of them. Leila, Joe and I form the Abstract Thinking Massive.

Actually I might open it up. Vote: where is the file?


For our meeting at 11am, please think about this question - I will be very interested to hear your views

Question: Who has the file?

the client has all the paperwork
you have been asked to make up a file and give it an EP number
who has the file?

Yvonne Murray - Filing Supervisor

This is my life.


Monday, August 11, 2003

As always, Iggy Pop can put it better than me:

I'm bored

I'm the chairman of the bored,
I'm a lengthy monologue
I'm livin' like a dog

I'm bored

I bore myself to sleep at night
I bore myself in broad daylight coz

I'm bored
Just another slimy bore

I'm free to bore my well-bought friends
And spend my cash until the end coz

I'm bored
I'm bored

I'm the chairman of the board

I'm sick
I'm sick of all my kicks
I'm sick of all the stiffs
I'm sick of all the dips

I'm bored

I bore myself to sleep at night
I bore myself in broad daylight coz

I'm bored
I'm bored

Just another dirty bore

All right doll-face
Come on and bore me

I'm sick
I'm sick of all my kicks
I'm sick of all the stiffs
I'm sick of all the dips

I'm sick

I'm sick when I go to sleep at night
I'm still sick in the broad daylight coz

I'm bored
I'm bored

I'm the chairman of the. . .



Sunday, August 10, 2003

Of course the Martini adverts with Leonard Rossiter and Joan Collins.

Oh, and Janet Ellis.

The primary colours of women I fancy:

Red: Monica Bellucci
Blue: Julie Christie
Green: Janeane Garafolo

Everyone good is some combination of these.

That is all.


Friday, August 08, 2003

Hmmm. Quickly did that Spark test again. Guess what? It's different. Caught the abstract thinking again, and once more paints me as a modern day Machiavelli. Now I'm really outgoing though! What a pile of shit.


(Dominant Extrovert Abstract Thinker )

Like just 5% of the population you are a POLITICIAN (DEAT)--forceful, outgoing, and forward-looking. You are strong-willed and extroverted, so you enjoy interacting with other people. You aggressively pursue your goals.

Your creative style of thinking allows you to come up with unusual arguments and original ideas that appeal to others, but behind it all is an analytical mind that never forgets the bottom line. While some might see you as manipulative, your close friends know you are a talented person who deserves the best in life.

Whatever. You *are* manipulative. Whether you use your power for "good" or "bad", it's up to you. If you're confused what good or bad means, ask a HEALER. Like EXPERIMENTERS, you have a propensity for cheating.


Thursday, August 07, 2003

Surely someone will go with me to this.


Wednesday, August 06, 2003

John Leslie, tried by
The papers, freed by the courts.
No smoke without fire.

Topless in public.
Acceptable for builders
But I'm too bourgeois.

Sex and the City-
Boring, trite banalities
Dressed up as profound.

Mike Bassett England
Manager tax file. Did not
Expect that at all.

Pregnant Japanese
Woman downstairs. Wrong to like
Her? No. She is fit.

Thinking about writing entries as haikus. We'll see how it goes.


Monday, August 04, 2003

Just done that Spark personality test for the first time. Not reading too much into it as everyone says they're somebody different each time. For what it's worth, this is what they said:


Submissive Introvert Abstract Thinker

Like just 8% of the population you are a MASTERMIND (SIAT). You can be silent and withdrawn, but behind your reserved exterior lies an active mind that allows you to analyze situations and come up with creative, unexpected solutions. Normal people call this "scheming." Don't learn German.

Anyway, your sense of style and originality are your strengths, and people will respect your judgment once they get to know you. If you learn to be a little more personable, you could be a great leader--you've definitely got the "vision" thing down. Just make sure all the plotting you do behind those eyes of yours is healthy.

Famous masterminds in television: Dr. Claw, The Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Montgomery Burns.

A little harsh I think.

My weekend:

Friday night: Club in Camden. Really, really wasn't going to go out. Went out. Had my arse grabbed by two girls. Result! Didn't follow it up though, was confused by the mixed message.

Saturday: Pottered; Mario Golf; Lake Placid; Thriller in Manilla.

Sunday: Saw the video for the new Client single on The Amp (God bless Sky); National Gallery to look at some Arts with Lei-Jo and M-Dogg; coffee in a cafe; TV.

All in all? Quite satisfactory.

Can't seem to move my voting booth thing away from the bottom of the page. Check it out though, it's going to be changing more often now. May start living my life solely on the results, a la Diceman.


Friday, August 01, 2003

Haircut idea #6: Any of Kraftwerk

Hair idea #5: Mick Jagger

Haircut idea #4: Keith Richards

Hair idea #3: The Byrds. Esp Roger McGuinn. (Top left)

Hair idea #2: Rod Stewart

Hair idea #1: Scott Walker

Going to have to get a haircut soon. Been growing it for the last three months to have some more options. Not sure what I'm going to go for though. Everyone knows that haircuts peaked in the late 1960s and early 1970s, so I need to find some good pictures/a role model. As I find them I shall post them here. Comments are welcome, but will probably be ignored...

There are so many subliminal (and not so subliminal) motivational messages around this building, it's all I can do to remain disinterested and work-shy.

A selection:

-On my boss's desk: "A mind is like a parachute, it works better when it is open."
(NB There used to be one saying something like, "I am your Admiral, you are my sailors, customer care is our war." This is an approximation, the original was even more toe-curling, if you can believe it.)

-There is no "i" in team. (Unfortunately this wasn't completed with, "but there is in vacation!" That's my favourite one.)

-Call on your clients out of audit season. (Along with a painfully unfunny cartoon.)

-Call your friends from university, see what they're up to.

etc etc

Does anyone take these seriously? I fear that they do.


RN3 have been awarded a certificate for achieving 100% in Health and Safety. We have also been awarded with outstanding contribution to Best Practice. Certificates are on the wall in RN3.

Well done,

Yvonne Murray - Filing Supervisor

Sounds a bit like a classroom attendence award to me. Still, my heart is swollen with pride.

In other shit music news...

Sam Phillips has died. I know he was 80, but it's still sad. He played an enormous part in the development of popular music, blah, blah, blah.

Sorry to pontificate there but I liked him.

The fucking White Stripes have cancelled Leeds. Oh well, Metallica and Squarepusher it is then.

Haven't been keeping up with my pad recently. Found it in the move and so should start it again soon. Here's what was in it...

-In what way do Beyonce or Jennifer Lopez look like "ordinary women"?
-Give up on websites. Get into pamphleteering.
-Heroes: Alvin Hall; O.D.B.; Brian Sewell; Adrian Chiles; Chef Raekwon; Diego Forlan; Paolo Di Canio; Juan "Seba" Veron; Jonathan Ross; Jimmy Stewart; Mick Jagger; Cary Grant; Richard Pryor; Jackie Mason; Salvedor Allende.
-Villians: Eazy-E; Frank Williams; Snoop Doggy Dogg; Stuart Cable.

Belgian Jailbait Festival 2003

-"Hey Man, get out of my fucking sleeping bag!"
-"Go hard or go home" - henna tattoos.
-Arrete ca!
-11.36, Friday: Already abandonned all vanity. Going to need to have a shit today.
-So fucking hot.
-Men should wear thongs poking over the top of trousers. Should start this trend.
-Of course that girl.
-Of course Christophe.
-"Meat in a Johnston Sandwich", the autobiography of Martin Davies.
-"Any Tom, Tom or Tom", the autobiography of Leila Johnston.
-Didgeridoo? Didgeridon't.
-"Victoria Wood?" "Victoria Woudn't."

James did an internet shop the other day.
He wanted to buy 5 bananas.
He bought 5 kg.
Bit bored of bananas now.

(For scale, think how much a kilogram weighs... think how heavy a banana is... Bingo! It's a lot of bananas.)


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