Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
I'm trying to find this hilarious picture of Wayne Rooney wearing a sleeveless top and licking a big lollipop. No luck, as yet.
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Monday, March 29, 2004
Is is possible for me to talk about Girl From Mars without saying, "Proustian madeleine"? No. Didn't think so.
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I would be on my lunch break now. Instead I have just got out of bed, and am listening to Ash's Singles Collection which has just landed on my doormat and is making me feel sixteen. Cheers e-bay!
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Sunday, March 28, 2004
Friday, March 26, 2004
"Well everyone, our time together draws to a close. Much as I would enjoy the edgy and perfunctory forty minutes in the pub, I've decided to go home early, crank up T-Rex and jump around my bedroom. What can I say? It has been the best of times and the worst of times. That's about half right anyway. It's had its moments... Now I abandon this life for a job with sick-pay and a little dignity. Fear not, I shall probably be back. And so, I have now unloaded my last trolley of files and the hour of separation approaches... It is only left for me to say, 'be excellent to each other, and I'll catch you on the flip-side.' Adieu."
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Pub at lunchtime with Susanna and two of the newer temps. It was nice, actually. We played pool and that. Susanna wanted to give me her gift away from all the others, so she presented it to me in the pub. I was touched - The Little Prince, her favourite book. I haven't read it either. Wanted to, but I'd never got round to buying it. Good old Susanna.
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Had the presentation. Attention + post-pub glow = big ol' red face. Red face + people talking about red face = redder face.
They bought me a work shirt, which was sweet. Said a few words, ended it with "be excellent to each other", it was fine.
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They bought me a work shirt, which was sweet. Said a few words, ended it with "be excellent to each other", it was fine.
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Strange today.
Obviously I'm not doing any work, but for some reason I can't even log onto the database we use, so I can't even pretend to do anything. And no one seems to mind/expect me to be helping out. It's all a bit weird actually. I haven't left that many jobs on my own terms, they usually just don't need me anymore. This could be my last temping job... ever! Or I could not get past the probation on this new thing and be back in the same situation in a month. Who knows? Either way, I've fucked around for three and a half years, so whatever happens, today has a kind of "end of an era" feel about it.
I'll stop feeling philosophical soon and start taking photos of these nightmares I work with.
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Obviously I'm not doing any work, but for some reason I can't even log onto the database we use, so I can't even pretend to do anything. And no one seems to mind/expect me to be helping out. It's all a bit weird actually. I haven't left that many jobs on my own terms, they usually just don't need me anymore. This could be my last temping job... ever! Or I could not get past the probation on this new thing and be back in the same situation in a month. Who knows? Either way, I've fucked around for three and a half years, so whatever happens, today has a kind of "end of an era" feel about it.
I'll stop feeling philosophical soon and start taking photos of these nightmares I work with.
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Susanna is printing off the lyrics to Spanish songs and giving them to me. "Soon, you will no be here, Aleestar. I am sad today."
Loca, por un beso tuyo...
loca, por chocarme con tus labios...
loca, por besarlos y acariciarlos
por bailarte desnuda
al son de los siete amores
y que sepas de una vez,
que pa' gustos, los colores.
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Loca, por un beso tuyo...
loca, por chocarme con tus labios...
loca, por besarlos y acariciarlos
por bailarte desnuda
al son de los siete amores
y que sepas de una vez,
que pa' gustos, los colores.
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I urge you to check out this peach, "Around the World in 80 Days" with Steve Coogan, Jackie Chan, Johnny Knoxville and Jim Broadbent. If ever anyone had a licence to print money then this is it. Download the trailer if you can. There's a moment near the end which is highly unexpected.
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Derren Brown last night: apart from a spectacularly misjudged joke ("Have you ever had a parrot? I bet you've had a cockatoo..."), it was fantastic. Mind blown.
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Thursday, March 25, 2004
D: (Looking at the American Idols' profiles on an internet) He is influenced by this singer. I don't know him. Do you know who he is?
A: (Turn and look)... Frank Sinatra?!
D: Yes.
A: You've never heard of Frank Sinatra?
D: No... What is he like?
A: (Sigh) Well, you know New York, New York?
D: Ummm... yes, I think so. So he speaks while he's singing? That's what he's like?
A: ... Yes, Deborah. That's what he's like.
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A: (Turn and look)... Frank Sinatra?!
D: Yes.
A: You've never heard of Frank Sinatra?
D: No... What is he like?
A: (Sigh) Well, you know New York, New York?
D: Ummm... yes, I think so. So he speaks while he's singing? That's what he's like?
A: ... Yes, Deborah. That's what he's like.
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Whoah! Mother of all nicotine-craving/chemical releases in my body. Man, I must have been fucking myself up for years. Sitting down to control my fucking shaking. Forcing chocolate bar into my mouth. This isn't fun...
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Amuse your workmates today by pretending that you thought Tony Blair had met Fatima Whitbread. Ask what she's done recently that's so special. Feel smug that you are only the three thousandth person to make the comparison.
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Oh. And I need to take my camera in, take a picture of Susanna. (When I have it developed it will be here, don't fret.)
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Would it be bad of me not to turn up for my last day tomorrow? It would leave everyone slightly underwhelmed, having expected the day to be at least a bit different. (It would be different, there would be more work for everyone to do.) I'm expecting to get a card, at least. Someone would be left with it, and no real idea of how to get it to me. That would make them feel a bit strange, they couldn't really throw it away, not immediately anyway. It'd probably sit in a drawer for a few months until they came across it, read the messages and put it in the bin. I told Susanna I'd go for a drink with her at lunchtime and have a game of pool. She'd be a bit pissed off that I wasn't there. Judith would be too. Even though the only time I've been in a pub with her was at Christmas Eve, and that was awkward, she would still prefer the uncomfortable ritual.
I will come in though. Much as I would love to avoid the toe-curling surprise presentation of a leaving card. (I'd better get one... Actually, it's just about possible that there's been a whip-round. Sweet Lord, what on Earth would they buy?) They'll probably want me to say something... "Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking..."
Jeez.
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I will come in though. Much as I would love to avoid the toe-curling surprise presentation of a leaving card. (I'd better get one... Actually, it's just about possible that there's been a whip-round. Sweet Lord, what on Earth would they buy?) They'll probably want me to say something... "Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking..."
Jeez.
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Boat race this Sunday. I plan to lark boisterously and knock off a policeman’s helmet. This behaviour will lead to me being hauled in front of the beak, a notorious cove who will be called something like Sir Watkyn Bassett. I will be fined £5. Thinking I will never see him again, I will receive a shock when I realise he is a fellow guest at the country estate of my aunt. I will have to be nice to him as my aunt will be trying to butter him up for some kind of favour. His daughter will also be present. A weak-willed friend of mine will be in love with her. In an ill thought out scheme designed to bring them together, a misunderstanding will occur and it will seem as if I am asking her to marry me. This proposal will be accepted and to avoid embarrassment I will suffer the engagement. I will be extricated from the mess by my valet, and all romantic entanglements will be resolved. The manner of this resolution will bring the maximum short-term humiliation on me. However, I will be so grateful that I will dispose of an item of clothing that has caused friction between me and my gentlemen’s personal gentleman. This could be a particularly garish trouser, a pair of spats or a canary-yellow waistcoat.
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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Smell of sausage sandwich outside: 1994, Whilo's garage, lunchtime, spring, Ben and Ed, not having to queue as we worked there, sausage bap for lunch, crisps, Fry's Peppermint Cream bar, Made in Hong Kong catalogue, going to Craig and Glen's Dad's house, Metallica Black album, playing pool, MTV, eating whole pack of Fishermen's Friends.
Nut(Lower Sixth)Shell
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Nut(Lower Sixth)Shell
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French children are swarming outside. One was wearing a Union flag jester hat. "Quel joli chapeau!" I didn't say, smiling.
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Going to see Derren Brown tomorrow. If you think he's rubbish then you are wrong. He is excellent.
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An explanation: the aforementioned self-help book was not "Unleash Your Inner Tiger" or "Seven Habits of Highly Dreary People" or whatever. It was "Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking." So yeah... fuck cigarettes, basically. (NB I don't want any "Yeah, I tried that, didn't work for me," kind of comments. Not helpful, thanks all the same.)
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Tuesday, March 23, 2004
I let myself be outbid for the Sopranos Series 4. I'm learning. Slowly but surely, I'm learning. (Unfortunately not before paying £7.50 for a [presumably faked] signed photo of Jordi Cruyff.)
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I've just finished the best meal ever: one garlic bread; one gammon steak (family); one fried egg; two pineapple rings; some wine.
I thank you.
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I thank you.
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I bought my first self help book yesterday. Don't worry, all will be explained. Check out this little pearl of wisdom:
"But remember the definition of a brunette: 'a girl who didn't read the instructions on the bottle'."
Beautiful.
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"But remember the definition of a brunette: 'a girl who didn't read the instructions on the bottle'."
Beautiful.
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Monday, March 22, 2004
I've been outbid for the Diego Forlan signed photo. Frankly, I'm astonished that there's someone else out there who'd stretch to five pounds for it. I'm going to be strong and stop bidding.
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It's out of control already. I'm the highest bidder for a signed photo of Jordi Cruyff. Luckily there's no Karel Paborsky stuff here.
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New excuse for lateness today: Sorry, Yvonne, I fell asleep on the bus and missed my stop. had to walk back from Moorgate. (Truth: I really couldn't be bothered getting out of bed after such an action packed weekend.)
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I stand on the edge of a precipice. I registered with e-bay late last night. I am now the owner of a Born in the USA fridge magnet. I have no idea where this madness will lead.
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Sunday, March 21, 2004
Arthur Lee's Love with the only Forever Changes show of 2004: Shepherd's Bush Empire, Friday 2nd April. You know it makes sense. I'll be there (tickets from ticketweb.co.uk or wayahead.com), will you?
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Friday, March 19, 2004
"I'm leaving all my money to the Cats' Protection League." Moron.
"I'm leaving all my money to a donkey sanctuary." Hero.
Such a fine line.
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"I'm leaving all my money to a donkey sanctuary." Hero.
Such a fine line.
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Things people say which I really enjoy:
1) "Nice weather... for ducks."
2) "For my sins" ("I’m an accountant… for my sins." Brilliant.)
3) "Ace"
4) "Sad-sack"
5) "Duck" (as a term of endearment)
6) "Age before beauty" (when opening a door)
7) "It’ll all come out in the wash"
8) "Manners maketh man"
9) "Not" ("Yeah, that sounds good... Not!" NB I only enjoy instances of this post-1998)
10) "Rotter"
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1) "Nice weather... for ducks."
2) "For my sins" ("I’m an accountant… for my sins." Brilliant.)
3) "Ace"
4) "Sad-sack"
5) "Duck" (as a term of endearment)
6) "Age before beauty" (when opening a door)
7) "It’ll all come out in the wash"
8) "Manners maketh man"
9) "Not" ("Yeah, that sounds good... Not!" NB I only enjoy instances of this post-1998)
10) "Rotter"
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Susanna: Aleestar, do you want to get married and have children?
Me: Well, the idea of ruthlessly moulding a child in my image *does* appeal… Not sure how a mother fits into that though.
S: That is good! I want a child but I don’t want to bring it up. You could do that.
M: … yeah…
S: We wouldn’t even have to make sex. We could artificial.
M: I’ll let you know.
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Me: Well, the idea of ruthlessly moulding a child in my image *does* appeal… Not sure how a mother fits into that though.
S: That is good! I want a child but I don’t want to bring it up. You could do that.
M: … yeah…
S: We wouldn’t even have to make sex. We could artificial.
M: I’ll let you know.
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Things people say which make my blood run cold.
1) "Rollocking"
2) "Chill" ("Yeah, I'm going to take a few days off. You know, just chill...")
3) "It" meaning she/her. ("Yeah, I'd shag it, but I wouldn't be that bothered either way, you know?")
4) "Pad" in the sense of domicile
5) "Wicked" as a term of approbation
6) "I had a really weird dream last night..."
7) "Itch" when "scratch" is meant. ("I just need to itch my arm." "What with? Itching powder? Why would you want to do that?")
8) "Going large"
9) "I wonder if you can help me... I'm looking for a piece of filing I put in about two weeks ago..."
10) "Haitch"
Some old favourites there, but I'm grouping them together. There are loads more actually, ones which don't make me look quite so much of a pedant/snob. This list may be continued.
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1) "Rollocking"
2) "Chill" ("Yeah, I'm going to take a few days off. You know, just chill...")
3) "It" meaning she/her. ("Yeah, I'd shag it, but I wouldn't be that bothered either way, you know?")
4) "Pad" in the sense of domicile
5) "Wicked" as a term of approbation
6) "I had a really weird dream last night..."
7) "Itch" when "scratch" is meant. ("I just need to itch my arm." "What with? Itching powder? Why would you want to do that?")
8) "Going large"
9) "I wonder if you can help me... I'm looking for a piece of filing I put in about two weeks ago..."
10) "Haitch"
Some old favourites there, but I'm grouping them together. There are loads more actually, ones which don't make me look quite so much of a pedant/snob. This list may be continued.
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Thing that I've just remembered, know is true but can't quite believe #4
I have an economics degree. From Cambridge. That's hilarious. In the last three years I have only opened the business pages to wrap up broken glass.
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I have an economics degree. From Cambridge. That's hilarious. In the last three years I have only opened the business pages to wrap up broken glass.
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Again, I'm snatching time here and don't have any ideas so I'm lazily going to do the Friday Five:
If you...
1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
Cheese and biscuits; Mexican; Traditional English; Satay.
2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
This is my post-lottery win dream. I would run a shop full of cool shit I liked. There would be CDs, but only ones I approved of, records, books (po-faced and Sinatra biographies), gadgets, magic tricks, puppies, fancy dress hire and a line of self-designed T-shirts. ("Number 1 in the chart is currently 'Centrifugal Chimp', 2 is 'Eel Helmet', 3 is my face, winking...")
3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be?
DIY
Actually, I would try to transcend genre. Because I am a ponce.
4. ...ran a school, what would you teach?
Well, I suppose I would have to teach English as a foreign language or something. If this question means what would I like to teach, then I'd run a finishing school. It would be like The Correct Opinion, all day long. With Kung Fu. And fencing. And Baking.
5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
Oh, but I am recording an album! Karaoke versions of an arbitrary choice of songs.
You're welcome.
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If you...
1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
Cheese and biscuits; Mexican; Traditional English; Satay.
2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
This is my post-lottery win dream. I would run a shop full of cool shit I liked. There would be CDs, but only ones I approved of, records, books (po-faced and Sinatra biographies), gadgets, magic tricks, puppies, fancy dress hire and a line of self-designed T-shirts. ("Number 1 in the chart is currently 'Centrifugal Chimp', 2 is 'Eel Helmet', 3 is my face, winking...")
3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be?
DIY
Actually, I would try to transcend genre. Because I am a ponce.
4. ...ran a school, what would you teach?
Well, I suppose I would have to teach English as a foreign language or something. If this question means what would I like to teach, then I'd run a finishing school. It would be like The Correct Opinion, all day long. With Kung Fu. And fencing. And Baking.
5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
Oh, but I am recording an album! Karaoke versions of an arbitrary choice of songs.
You're welcome.
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On BBC Radio London this morning they were running a competition to win a year's subscription to Diva magazine. (Or as I like to say, "magasine.") Beat that Capital!
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Thursday, March 18, 2004
The following are the only acceptable instances of drug slang:
"a cannabis"
"jazz cigarette"
"doobie"
"a heroin"
"a cocaine"
"horse"
Anyone who uses any others should be fired against a wall by a catapult until they be dead. (Particularly hard too, for those who say, "ganja". I may make an exception for "sinsemilla".)
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"a cannabis"
"jazz cigarette"
"doobie"
"a heroin"
"a cocaine"
"horse"
Anyone who uses any others should be fired against a wall by a catapult until they be dead. (Particularly hard too, for those who say, "ganja". I may make an exception for "sinsemilla".)
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Pop's antidote to Britney Spears? Is Britney a disease? Best single of the year so far. I'd take her over Pink's pseudo-confessional, angsty drivel any day of the week. Actually, that's completely obvious. So would any right-thinking individual. Still, I have the "Edit your Blog" page open and I'm using it while I have the chance. Soon I shall be filing - alone, standing, braindead and aching. I'm making hay while the sun shines. It's crappy hay, but hay nonetheless.
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Relating to yesterday's reproduction post, I'd like to point out that I'm not getting broody, that wasn't the point of it. Depending on your view of life, it could be seen as empowering: you could be the full stop at the end of your particular genetic sentence. Or, you know, it's just a thing - interesting perhaps, but not implying pressure or responsibility.
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It was Susanna's birthday yesterday. A measure of her popularity amongst the "team" is that turnout in the pub at lunchtime was Sarah, a temp who's been here two weeks... and me. We played a game of pool. My emasculation was limited due to my playing down of my skills beforehand. And she only just beat me. Sweetly, Susanna thought (/pretended to think) that I'd let her win because it was her birthday. I hadn't. I also enjoyed the lewd comments and cackling laughter every time I bent over the table to take a shot.
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Wednesday, March 17, 2004
You know when something's obviously true, but you've never really thought about it? My Dad said to me a while back, "you realise that if you don’t have children, you will be the first in your line, ever since some molecules started mobbing together in the primordial soup (I paraphrase of course), that failed to replicate or reproduce? Every single one of your ancestors, going back to single cell organisms, managed to produce offspring before they were killed. I mean, it’s obvious, but it makes you think..."
Tick... Tick... Tick... Tick... Tick...
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Tick... Tick... Tick... Tick... Tick...
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Tuesday, March 16, 2004
OK, this is the final one like this. Bringing it all together I'm taking it the bridge real soon... Here we go:
X and Y
Ian X is a member of the Nation of Islam. Maureen Y is on the Witness Protection programme. (She might be Spanish and always wanting more. Yes, of course this is contrived.) They are both scientists working on chromosome research. Ian X used to be a woman, and Maureen Y a man, and they were married. When they split up, not bearing the thought of anyone else being with the other, they each slipped a potion into their spouse's drink (without knowing the same was being done to them) to change their gender. Ian X is inquisitive, Maureen Y is cross. There is a simmering tension between them, they live in the same house (split down the middle) and continue their valuable work in the same laboratory. They have a child named Zed who is the only sensible head in the madhouse. He tries to bring his parents together on a weekly basis. (NB he calls Maureen, "Dad", and Ian, "Mum", much to his friends' astonishment.) Occasionally they do seem to be nearing a reconciliation, but the moment will be spoilt by Pi, their irrational and wacky lab technician.
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X and Y
Ian X is a member of the Nation of Islam. Maureen Y is on the Witness Protection programme. (She might be Spanish and always wanting more. Yes, of course this is contrived.) They are both scientists working on chromosome research. Ian X used to be a woman, and Maureen Y a man, and they were married. When they split up, not bearing the thought of anyone else being with the other, they each slipped a potion into their spouse's drink (without knowing the same was being done to them) to change their gender. Ian X is inquisitive, Maureen Y is cross. There is a simmering tension between them, they live in the same house (split down the middle) and continue their valuable work in the same laboratory. They have a child named Zed who is the only sensible head in the madhouse. He tries to bring his parents together on a weekly basis. (NB he calls Maureen, "Dad", and Ian, "Mum", much to his friends' astonishment.) Occasionally they do seem to be nearing a reconciliation, but the moment will be spoilt by Pi, their irrational and wacky lab technician.
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Ex Squared
Possible spin off. Ian Ex and Maureen Why start seeing an estranged couple. Obviously they meet their new "squeezes" separately in contrived comedy situations. Leads to a world of awkwardness and catty one-liners.
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Possible spin off. Ian Ex and Maureen Why start seeing an estranged couple. Obviously they meet their new "squeezes" separately in contrived comedy situations. Leads to a world of awkwardness and catty one-liners.
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Ex and Why?
Ian Ex used to be married to Maureen Why. Ian Ex is inquisitive, Maureen Why has… characteristics pertaining to x... She’s cross! Of course she’s cross. Ian Ex can’t work out why they broke up. Maureen Why (pretends that she) doesn’t know what she ever saw in him. Their house was split down the middle in the divorce settlement. They have a child named Zed. He is the only balanced character and tries to get his parents back together on a weekly basis. There are occasional moments of tenderness between them, but they are always punctured by the arrival of a wacky neighbour.
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Ian Ex used to be married to Maureen Why. Ian Ex is inquisitive, Maureen Why has… characteristics pertaining to x... She’s cross! Of course she’s cross. Ian Ex can’t work out why they broke up. Maureen Why (pretends that she) doesn’t know what she ever saw in him. Their house was split down the middle in the divorce settlement. They have a child named Zed. He is the only balanced character and tries to get his parents back together on a weekly basis. There are occasional moments of tenderness between them, but they are always punctured by the arrival of a wacky neighbour.
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"Exercise makes the brain release endorphins." Oh really? Well I went for a run this morning and I ain’t too chipper. Unfortunately exercise also makes my muscles release lactic acid (yes, stretching, warm up, yes, I know) and my lungs release tar. Before anyone gets concerned that this is a new, permanent job-holding, exercising for fun, generally nauseating me - let the record show that I am preparing for a run, sort of for me, mainly for my Dad. It’s for charity, and it’s kind of a family issue. May I also point out that like a child without his P.E. kit, I had to cobble together an outfit of woolly jumper, hat, shorts (non-sport), trainers (sport! bought in a moment of worthiness) and a pair of black socks with "Ian" written on them.
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Friday, March 12, 2004
Ah, the Friday Five, for when I really can’t be bothered coming up with any ideas...
1. What was the last song you heard?
I think it was Been Caught Stealing. I certainly listened to it this morning.
2. What were the last two movies you saw?
This is tricky. In the cinema? Waiting for Guffman and School of Rock.
3. What were the last three things you purchased?
Not counting bus tickets, cigarettes etc: Camera Lucida by Roland Barthes; some bacon; a Noddy Holder t-shirt.
4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
Listen to some Hammond Organ, go to a party, start my running training, get a haircut.
5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
Oh, you know, work people. For the record: Deborah, Mike, Susanna, Yvonne and Mar.
Well, that was underwhelming.
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1. What was the last song you heard?
I think it was Been Caught Stealing. I certainly listened to it this morning.
2. What were the last two movies you saw?
This is tricky. In the cinema? Waiting for Guffman and School of Rock.
3. What were the last three things you purchased?
Not counting bus tickets, cigarettes etc: Camera Lucida by Roland Barthes; some bacon; a Noddy Holder t-shirt.
4. What four things do you need to do this weekend?
Listen to some Hammond Organ, go to a party, start my running training, get a haircut.
5. Who are the last five people you talked to?
Oh, you know, work people. For the record: Deborah, Mike, Susanna, Yvonne and Mar.
Well, that was underwhelming.
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D: You didn't do anything to get this job, did you? It fell in your lap.
A: Yeah, weird really.
D: No, not weird. This is God. He saw that you were unhappy and He gave you this opportunity.
A: (Fighting temptation to say, "He took His time,") ... Mmmm.
She may have something though. Good things have been happening in my life recently, and it's none of my doing. I'm putting it all down to the advent of the Chinese Year of the Monkey.
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A: Yeah, weird really.
D: No, not weird. This is God. He saw that you were unhappy and He gave you this opportunity.
A: (Fighting temptation to say, "He took His time,") ... Mmmm.
She may have something though. Good things have been happening in my life recently, and it's none of my doing. I'm putting it all down to the advent of the Chinese Year of the Monkey.
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Kung Fu - Ash
Been Caught Stealing - Jane's Addiction
The Reflex - Duran Duran
Since you've been gone - Rainbow
Bug Powder Dust - Bomb the Bass
Don't get me wrong - Pretenders
Love and Pride – King
School's Out - Alice Cooper
Turning Japanese - The Vapors
Love in an elevator - Aerosmith
Freestyler – Bomfunk MCs
Antmusic – Adam and the Ants
Ghetto Superstar – Pras et al
Lump – Presidents of the United States of America
Let me clear my throat - DJ Kool
Welcome to the Jungle – Guns 'n Roses
Do you need anything else? Really?
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Been Caught Stealing - Jane's Addiction
The Reflex - Duran Duran
Since you've been gone - Rainbow
Bug Powder Dust - Bomb the Bass
Don't get me wrong - Pretenders
Love and Pride – King
School's Out - Alice Cooper
Turning Japanese - The Vapors
Love in an elevator - Aerosmith
Freestyler – Bomfunk MCs
Antmusic – Adam and the Ants
Ghetto Superstar – Pras et al
Lump – Presidents of the United States of America
Let me clear my throat - DJ Kool
Welcome to the Jungle – Guns 'n Roses
Do you need anything else? Really?
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Thursday, March 11, 2004
Off the top of my head, as of this moment, the best first songs on albums… ever!
1) Thunder Road
2) Alone Again Or
3) Drive My Car
4) Rocks Off
5) I Wanna Be Adored
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1) Thunder Road
2) Alone Again Or
3) Drive My Car
4) Rocks Off
5) I Wanna Be Adored
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Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Is it wrong of me to listen to "Coming Up" by Paul McCartney every fucking day? Yes. Yes it is. It's the absolute filth.
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Of course Klaus Kinski as Oliver in the Frayed Knot section of the Kahn biopic - ("Catch Me If You Kahn").
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Please note: Client are playing the Astoria on 2nd May. Any takers not yet familiar with their particularly workmanlike stripe of mediocrity?
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So the Guardian is pissing all over my ridiculous claim yesterday that Chelsea will win the European Cup so long as they don't meet Arsenal ("Ranieri's team looked far from possible winners of this tournament..."). I will continue to stand by it though. If it comes off I'll look wise. If not, I can live with it. "A man's reach should exceed his grasp" and all that.
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Oliver Kahn's girlfriend, Victoria Kerth, supporting her man: "Oliver needs me. Just as a single drop of ink colours 100 litres of water, I want to snuff out the hatred in the stadium with my love."
Amazing. Further evidence to support Martin's thesis that Kahn is the sports personality of our times. (Lest we forget, Victoria is like, seventeen, or something. Ollie left his pregnant wife for her. If there was a Kahn biopic the lead would have to be played by Klaus Kinski. But unfortunately he's dead.)
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Amazing. Further evidence to support Martin's thesis that Kahn is the sports personality of our times. (Lest we forget, Victoria is like, seventeen, or something. Ollie left his pregnant wife for her. If there was a Kahn biopic the lead would have to be played by Klaus Kinski. But unfortunately he's dead.)
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Yet more directions I could take for five minutes before giving up. (If I titled my posts, this one would be called, "Kid, you gotta have a gimmick".)
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Tuesday, March 09, 2004
Toby Or Not Toby? That Is The Question: A family's son returns from the war. He seems to know them, but it's been a long while. Is it their beloved Toby?
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Vice and Verses: A priest and a pornographer are neighbours. There are lots of mix-ups around postal deliveries. Possibly the confession booth comes into play somewhere.
There But For The Grace Of God Go I: Quantum Leap-style body swap moral drama. The opening credits show the phone book entry for Ian There But For The Grace Of God Go.
Punch and Judy: Judy Finnegan investigates the shadowy world of bare-knuckle boxing.
Random Tractor: One-off Halloween drama about a piece of farm equipment possessed by the devil. Or something.
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There But For The Grace Of God Go I: Quantum Leap-style body swap moral drama. The opening credits show the phone book entry for Ian There But For The Grace Of God Go.
Punch and Judy: Judy Finnegan investigates the shadowy world of bare-knuckle boxing.
Random Tractor: One-off Halloween drama about a piece of farm equipment possessed by the devil. Or something.
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Twitchers: A ten minute programme on at 9:50 BBC 2 about some ornithologists with nervous ticks. All the action takes place inside the hide. There is no laugh track, it is naturalistic and probably Northern.
Bi Cell Exchange: Set in a genetics lab run by sexually adventurous scientists.
The Mourning After the Knight Before: Black comedy following the aftermath of the murder of the King's favourite Knight. He is called Before. For some reason.
Findus' Keepers: Knockabout comedy based in a goalie training camp sponsored by the crispy pancake people.
Euroseptics: Like "Only When I Laugh", but set in Brussels. (Note to younger readers, "Only When I Laugh" was based on the trials and adventures of a three men sharing a hospital ward.)
El Sid: Comedy drama (Sundays, 8.00pm BBC 1) about a loveable cockney rogue named Sid who has moved out to the Costa Del Sol. He may be avoiding extradition. I don't know yet.
I would imagine there are many more to come like this.
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Bi Cell Exchange: Set in a genetics lab run by sexually adventurous scientists.
The Mourning After the Knight Before: Black comedy following the aftermath of the murder of the King's favourite Knight. He is called Before. For some reason.
Findus' Keepers: Knockabout comedy based in a goalie training camp sponsored by the crispy pancake people.
Euroseptics: Like "Only When I Laugh", but set in Brussels. (Note to younger readers, "Only When I Laugh" was based on the trials and adventures of a three men sharing a hospital ward.)
El Sid: Comedy drama (Sundays, 8.00pm BBC 1) about a loveable cockney rogue named Sid who has moved out to the Costa Del Sol. He may be avoiding extradition. I don't know yet.
I would imagine there are many more to come like this.
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Get this. I’m top choice for that job I went for, but they want to take me out for a drink tomorrow to make up their minds. So if I don’t get the job it’s my personality they have a problem with. "Yeah, you seem eminently qualified for this, but you’re a bit of a prick. Sorry." I’m not quite sure how to play this one, I’ll have to trust on my dubious charm coming through. I’ll look again at that "10 Most Try Hard Animals" list I did.
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Sit com idea: Accidentally on Porpoise.
Ian Accidentally is an employee of Sea World. He falls into the water, the dolphins cackle at him. It writes itself.
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Ian Accidentally is an employee of Sea World. He falls into the water, the dolphins cackle at him. It writes itself.
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Things I can't get enough of #2:
Doing things on work time which are a chore if you're at home - e.g. shaving. (Or making internet lists of how you're socking it to The Man whilst straining under his yoke. [Note to self: download "Steal things from work" again])
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Doing things on work time which are a chore if you're at home - e.g. shaving. (Or making internet lists of how you're socking it to The Man whilst straining under his yoke. [Note to self: download "Steal things from work" again])
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Things I can't get enough of #1:
Introducing the Band moments. "And on guitar... Miami Steve Van Zandt!"
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Introducing the Band moments. "And on guitar... Miami Steve Van Zandt!"
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Monday, March 08, 2004
Two things I’ve been thinking about but can’t place where they came from:
1) Someone telling me that they always ate Nestle products as the company had to work extra hard to make them tasty, what with the boycott and all.
2) A girl at school (my school? A friend’s school?) who in a terrifying contraceptive improvisation used to get her boyfriend to punch her in the stomach after sex. "How was it for you, darling?" "Quite wonderful. Now brace yourself… "
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1) Someone telling me that they always ate Nestle products as the company had to work extra hard to make them tasty, what with the boycott and all.
2) A girl at school (my school? A friend’s school?) who in a terrifying contraceptive improvisation used to get her boyfriend to punch her in the stomach after sex. "How was it for you, darling?" "Quite wonderful. Now brace yourself… "
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Hey Kids. Various books have changed the way I think about stuff. As I’m a pathetic Englishman I obviously won’t list them here for fear of ridicule. However, I feel the need for a change and a hunger for new influences. I want my world rocked and my cosy assumptions blown out of the water. If you have any suggestions then leave a comment, send an e-mail, perhaps even speak to me in person - the choice is yours.
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We're denied the only possible good FA Cup final. Tranmere, Millwall or Sunderland will be in the UEFA cup. I'd have thought I would be pleased with that. I'm not though, it's rubbish.
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Thing that I somehow know to be true yet can’t quite believe which I remembered today #3:
American troops actually captured Saddam Hussein. He was in hiding. He had a big beard, remember?
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American troops actually captured Saddam Hussein. He was in hiding. He had a big beard, remember?
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Thing that I somehow know to be true yet can’t quite believe which I remembered today #2:
The Beatles (or I you must, “Threetles”) released two new singles in the nineties.
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The Beatles (or I you must, “Threetles”) released two new singles in the nineties.
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Thing that I somehow know to be true yet can’t quite believe which I remembered today #1:
Dale Winton married Nell McAndrew last year.
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Dale Winton married Nell McAndrew last year.
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Sunday, March 07, 2004
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Giving more and more information to Amazon has improved my recommendations page no end.
At the moment:
1) Unearthed [BOX SET]
~ Johnny Cash
2) The Ghost of Tom Joad
~ Bruce Springsteen
3) Boy in Da Corner
~ Dizzee Rascal
4) Dr. Byrds & Mr. Hyde
~ The Byrds
5) The Radiophonic Workshop
~ The Radiophonic Workshop
6) The Black Album
~ Jay Z
7) On the Beach
~ Neil Young
8) Stumble Into Grace
~ Emmylou Harris
9) In Dreams/Orbisongs
~ Roy Orbison
10) Sings Ballads of the True West
~ Johnny Cash
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At the moment:
1) Unearthed [BOX SET]
~ Johnny Cash
2) The Ghost of Tom Joad
~ Bruce Springsteen
3) Boy in Da Corner
~ Dizzee Rascal
4) Dr. Byrds & Mr. Hyde
~ The Byrds
5) The Radiophonic Workshop
~ The Radiophonic Workshop
6) The Black Album
~ Jay Z
7) On the Beach
~ Neil Young
8) Stumble Into Grace
~ Emmylou Harris
9) In Dreams/Orbisongs
~ Roy Orbison
10) Sings Ballads of the True West
~ Johnny Cash
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I’ve finally let Roy Orbison into my life. Have become scarily into “Crying”. And I’m happy at the moment. Next time I’m down it’s going to be a world of pain. A World Of Pain.
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I bought some new shoes the other day for an interview. Apart from now seeming to be the size and shape of snow shovels, they’re fucking crippling me.
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Monday, March 01, 2004
Martin told me an excellent opinion yesterday, I wish I'd have thought of it. The action of every man in Donnie Darko, from the director to the star, was motivated by a desire to look deep and to get chicks to shag them. Presumably it only worked for Jake Gyllenhaal.
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I think I may have just made the most try-hard purchase of a life dedicated to trying just that little bit too hard: Dryden's translation of Virgil's Aeneid. Bearing in mind that yesterday I bought Ah Um by Charlie Mingus and ordered a Dorothy Love Coates "Specialty Gospel Twofer" from Amazon, and you can see that it faces stiff competition, but probably claims the prize.
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One of my fantasy football teams is in the one hundreth percentile. Admittedly it was an experimental, second team and so I withdrew it from official competition - my "real" team is in the ninety sixth percentile. I will be using this to assert my superiority in any football-related arguments from now on.
(Note to self for future post: do I actually like football or did I try really hard to get into it as I thought that that's what men do? See also: beer.)
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(Note to self for future post: do I actually like football or did I try really hard to get into it as I thought that that's what men do? See also: beer.)
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I've just realised that I've accidentally worn two scarves to work. (They are of similar hue.) Apologies to any chilly-necked housemate.
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