Monday, September 29, 2003
Yes. I know I said that was it, but I can't stop myself from picking at this scab.
1) Why has no one informed me that Ronnie O'Sullivan has converted to Islam?
2) On Saturday night I made a passable first attempt at Cossack dancing. I will practice.
3) Why is everyone dying? Edward Said, George Plimpton, Ian MacDonald, Robert Palmer, Elia Kazan... the list goes on.
That is all.
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1) Why has no one informed me that Ronnie O'Sullivan has converted to Islam?
2) On Saturday night I made a passable first attempt at Cossack dancing. I will practice.
3) Why is everyone dying? Edward Said, George Plimpton, Ian MacDonald, Robert Palmer, Elia Kazan... the list goes on.
That is all.
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Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Susanna: Aleestar!
Me: Yeah…
Her: I know what film we should watch!
Me: Hmmm… (reluctantly playing along) what’s that then?
Susanna: Secretary.
Of course Secretary.
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Me: Yeah…
Her: I know what film we should watch!
Me: Hmmm… (reluctantly playing along) what’s that then?
Susanna: Secretary.
Of course Secretary.
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Monday, September 22, 2003
So, I was in a cafe the other Sunday afternoon and I looked up at the TV. "It's Raining Men" was on. What was the programme called? Songs of Gays. Really.
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And more:
Susanna: If you are not picky, then do you want to go to the cinema with me on Monday...
Me: (nervous laughter)
Her: I joke.
You sure do Susanna, you sure do...
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Susanna: If you are not picky, then do you want to go to the cinema with me on Monday...
Me: (nervous laughter)
Her: I joke.
You sure do Susanna, you sure do...
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Nice.
Susanna: Tell me, Alistair, don't you think that London is an easy place to pull?
Me: (flustered) to what?
Her: To pull?
Me: Ummm. Not really. Not for me anyway.
Her: I think maybe you are too... picky?
If only you knew Susanna, if only you knew...
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Susanna: Tell me, Alistair, don't you think that London is an easy place to pull?
Me: (flustered) to what?
Her: To pull?
Me: Ummm. Not really. Not for me anyway.
Her: I think maybe you are too... picky?
If only you knew Susanna, if only you knew...
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Most unlikely opinion I’ve tried desperately to affect: that early Elton John is actually good. I really gave this one a go, but apart from half a dozen songs he is fucking awful.
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5 songs guarenteed to get me smiling/dancing:
1) Ante Up - MOP and Busta Rhymes
2) Sweet Child of Mine - Guns n' Roses
3) Summertime - Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince
4) My Sharona - The Knack
5) Dead Ringer for Love - Meatloaf
Alistair Johnston: Born to DJ (at wedding receptions).
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1) Ante Up - MOP and Busta Rhymes
2) Sweet Child of Mine - Guns n' Roses
3) Summertime - Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince
4) My Sharona - The Knack
5) Dead Ringer for Love - Meatloaf
Alistair Johnston: Born to DJ (at wedding receptions).
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Emperor’s new clothes nominations #2:
1) Harrison Ford
2) Blazing Saddles
3) Jimi Hendrix
4) Audrey Hepburn
5) Cats
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1) Harrison Ford
2) Blazing Saddles
3) Jimi Hendrix
4) Audrey Hepburn
5) Cats
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Sunday, September 21, 2003
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Texts on my phone: (Small prize if you can guess the senders.)
1) ...2 the late great problem child actor john ritter, r.i.p. big man r.i.p.!
2) Oh-ho... The students are getting back... And they looking good!
3) "you're so funny but serious too. I'm SO GLAD MUMMY FOUND YOU." i love this kid. she's better than smack.
4) I am about to buy some guinea pigs. please advise me not to.
5) Hiii even more stolen bikes in the living room today.
6) Just remembered I told that kid I teach that alice in wonderland was a true story. was that wrong of me?
7) Rip Johnny rip...
8) I am so pissed... But I'm in Manc so I'm in love with life so it's all good... Stone Roses on the stereo,fine beer... Life is good!
9) Oh I hate being really pissed... But love it at the same time... What do you do?!
10) When was I last this drunk? Quite some time ago, I'd wager...
11) What's this? A film called China Strike Force? A shooting and kicking based film the likes of which the orient specialises in? Starring Coolio? The rapper? YES!!
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1) ...2 the late great problem child actor john ritter, r.i.p. big man r.i.p.!
2) Oh-ho... The students are getting back... And they looking good!
3) "you're so funny but serious too. I'm SO GLAD MUMMY FOUND YOU." i love this kid. she's better than smack.
4) I am about to buy some guinea pigs. please advise me not to.
5) Hiii even more stolen bikes in the living room today.
6) Just remembered I told that kid I teach that alice in wonderland was a true story. was that wrong of me?
7) Rip Johnny rip...
8) I am so pissed... But I'm in Manc so I'm in love with life so it's all good... Stone Roses on the stereo,fine beer... Life is good!
9) Oh I hate being really pissed... But love it at the same time... What do you do?!
10) When was I last this drunk? Quite some time ago, I'd wager...
11) What's this? A film called China Strike Force? A shooting and kicking based film the likes of which the orient specialises in? Starring Coolio? The rapper? YES!!
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Friday, September 19, 2003
Fact #31:
My Dad was on Blue Peter once, breaking the world record for most number of people in a Voltswagon Beatle. He pushed the accelerator.
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My Dad was on Blue Peter once, breaking the world record for most number of people in a Voltswagon Beatle. He pushed the accelerator.
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A guy named Pat Barrett just asked me for a file. Can't believe I didn't ask him about Gilly the Kid.
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Tattoos I’m thinking of getting:
1) “Thug Life” - across abdomen
2) Anchor - left forearm
3) “Only God Can Judge Me” -across shoulders
4) Mermaid on rock – right bicep
5) Snake-swarming skull – left bicep
6) “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – upper chest
7) Rolling Stones lips – over heart
8) “CASH” – inner arm (left)
9) Monkey – inner arm (right)
10) Mick Jagger’s face – my face
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1) “Thug Life” - across abdomen
2) Anchor - left forearm
3) “Only God Can Judge Me” -across shoulders
4) Mermaid on rock – right bicep
5) Snake-swarming skull – left bicep
6) “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – upper chest
7) Rolling Stones lips – over heart
8) “CASH” – inner arm (left)
9) Monkey – inner arm (right)
10) Mick Jagger’s face – my face
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Thursday, September 18, 2003
Fact #30:
I was just congratulating myself on my store-cupboard cunning of frying up some onions, garlic, potatoes and eggs. Then I realised I'd made a rubbish Spanish omlette.
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I was just congratulating myself on my store-cupboard cunning of frying up some onions, garlic, potatoes and eggs. Then I realised I'd made a rubbish Spanish omlette.
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Fact #27:
I saw Teddy Sheringham in a bar in Covent Garden on Saturday night. Of course I care nothing for him but insisted on shaking his hand, thus satirising our celebrity-loving culture. Actually, it could have been because I was pissed.
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I saw Teddy Sheringham in a bar in Covent Garden on Saturday night. Of course I care nothing for him but insisted on shaking his hand, thus satirising our celebrity-loving culture. Actually, it could have been because I was pissed.
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Right... 5 more facts then.
Fact #26:
I saw that woman who designed Princess Di(e)'s wedding dress today. Elisabeth someone?
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Fact #26:
I saw that woman who designed Princess Di(e)'s wedding dress today. Elisabeth someone?
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Sure have a lot to catch up on...
OK, we'll start at the top.
Fact #25:
The Rolling Stones are the best there was, the best there is and the best there ever will be.
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OK, we'll start at the top.
Fact #25:
The Rolling Stones are the best there was, the best there is and the best there ever will be.
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Saturday, September 13, 2003
Friday, September 12, 2003
Thursday, September 11, 2003
Well, it's not, either way. Actually, by writing this it makes it worse if I am killed today. The more I joke, the greater the pathos.
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Sure are a world of police on the roads around the office. Hope I don't die in a terrorist attrocity. This could be my last posting...
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Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Hoping someone just saw Bobby Davro's reaction after beating Harvey from So Solid Crew at curling. Read that again. If a couple of years ago someone in a pub suggested that such a contest could ever happen you would not believe them. We live in a true golden age of television.
"Hi kids! Daddy's a winner! A winner!"
Priceless.
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"Hi kids! Daddy's a winner! A winner!"
Priceless.
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Now I remember why I have't been out on a school night for a while... Hiiiiiii red eyes. I thought by leaving at 1am then at least I'd be in bed by 2. Of course I got far too pissed. Of course I fell asleep on the night bus. Of course it didn't terminate where I thought it would. Of course I walked off in completely the wrong direction. For twenty five minutes. So it took and hour to get home. Into bed at 3.20am. Advantage of less than 4 hours sleep? Taking the pain killers before going to bed, knowing they'll still be working when you wake up. That is the only advantage though.
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Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Fact #21:
I suspect that my legs are different lengths as my shoes are worn out unevenly and I suffer from lower back pain after I've been on my feet for prolonged periods.
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I suspect that my legs are different lengths as my shoes are worn out unevenly and I suffer from lower back pain after I've been on my feet for prolonged periods.
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Coming soon: top 5 adverts featuring sportsmen; top 5 adverts to spin into a film in the manner of Johnny English.
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5 Best adverts (no song)
1) Pepsi - Michael J. Fox has to climb through the window into the rain to get a can of Pepsi at his new, fit neighbour's request.
2) Scotrail/Strathclyde rail or something: "We're daeing good... but we're no daeing grreat!"
3) Bran Flakes - One step at a time, Martin. (-"Yes, Martin, it's a tracksuit..." -"I know that, Dad, but what's it doing on you?")
4) Carling Black Label - squirrel doing the obstacle course, Mission Impossible etc
5) Holsten Pils - Dambusters
Honourable mentions: The chips exercising, voiceover by a filth, Jenny Eclair or someone. Also, it would be churlish not to mention the P.G. Tips chimps. Cruel? Possibly. Demeaning? Definately. Funny? Come on! It's apes wearing clothes! It's copper-bottomed hilarious.
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1) Pepsi - Michael J. Fox has to climb through the window into the rain to get a can of Pepsi at his new, fit neighbour's request.
2) Scotrail/Strathclyde rail or something: "We're daeing good... but we're no daeing grreat!"
3) Bran Flakes - One step at a time, Martin. (-"Yes, Martin, it's a tracksuit..." -"I know that, Dad, but what's it doing on you?")
4) Carling Black Label - squirrel doing the obstacle course, Mission Impossible etc
5) Holsten Pils - Dambusters
Honourable mentions: The chips exercising, voiceover by a filth, Jenny Eclair or someone. Also, it would be churlish not to mention the P.G. Tips chimps. Cruel? Possibly. Demeaning? Definately. Funny? Come on! It's apes wearing clothes! It's copper-bottomed hilarious.
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Was just in the kitchen waiting for my coffee to pour and singing "Colgate Blue Minty Gel (Mum and Dad love it as well...)" to myself when a fit walked in. Nice one Al.
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Of course that time in my flat in Cambridge when I was seized by a fit of righteousness and decided to defrost my fridge. Of course my impatience led me to hack away at the ice with a knife. Of course I punctured the cooling pipes and sprayed freon or some such all over my face. Of course I was too scared to tell my landlord. Of course I kept milk and bacon on my window sill. Of course Steve my landlord asked me out of the blue if there was anything wrong with my fridge. Of course I denied any problem. Of course this was in December. Of course I moved out in August. Of course I never got it fixed. Brilliant.
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I urge everyone to see The Games. It may not be the finest piece of television ever, that honour still resides with Cardiac Arrest, but it is not far off. It is shameless of course, and basically just a mix of every reality/celebrity show you’ve ever seen. However, all is forgiven, thanks to the flourishing best-friendship of Major James Hewitt and Harvey from out of So Solid Crew. Even the sporting events are surprisingly exciting. I almost jumped out of my seat after Hewitt’s superb dive in Round 2, while Bobby Davro’s near belly-flop made me happier than anything I’ve seen in recent memory. Unsurprisingly, he is an utter tosser.
Roll on the weight lifting.
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Roll on the weight lifting.
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Monday, September 08, 2003
The following are all jobs I've thought about doing at some point in my life. Not sure how serious I was about any of them. (Less as I got older I suspect.) So, without further ado, in approximate order...
-Astronaut
-Archeologist
-Palaeontologist
-"Scientist"
-Inventor
-Novelist
-Lawyer
-Architect
-Marine Biologist
-"Business Man"
-No idea
-Screen writer
-Disaster Relief worker
-Accoutant, I suppose, if I *must* get a "job"
-Something with a charity or something
-Civil Servant
-Legionnaire
-Carny - esp dogems-keeper, esp one who would ride on the back of 14 year old girls' cars.
That about brings us up to date.
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-Astronaut
-Archeologist
-Palaeontologist
-"Scientist"
-Inventor
-Novelist
-Lawyer
-Architect
-Marine Biologist
-"Business Man"
-No idea
-Screen writer
-Disaster Relief worker
-Accoutant, I suppose, if I *must* get a "job"
-Something with a charity or something
-Civil Servant
-Legionnaire
-Carny - esp dogems-keeper, esp one who would ride on the back of 14 year old girls' cars.
That about brings us up to date.
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Actually, dump number 5. I can't believe I forgot the Scotch advert, "Rerecord, not fade away," with the singing Skellington. That was aces. Stand by for the 5 best adverts with no comedy song, coming soon.
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5 Best Adverts (Song based)
1) Texaco – 24 Hours from Tulsa pastiche. (“Only 24 toasters from Scunthorpe, only 6 double beds from Torquay…” Sounds like a good rate of exchange to me, 4 toasters=1 double bed.)
2) Kia Ora – I’ll be your dog. (“No way man, you can be mine. [They embrace])
3) Vitalite – The Israelite pastiche. (“Wake up in the morning wanting my breakfast, but which low fat margarine spread shall I use?”)
4) R. Whites lemonade – Secret Lemonade Drinker
5) Sun Pat. (“Our son, Pat.”)
Honourable mention: George Cole laughing all the way to the Leeds.
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1) Texaco – 24 Hours from Tulsa pastiche. (“Only 24 toasters from Scunthorpe, only 6 double beds from Torquay…” Sounds like a good rate of exchange to me, 4 toasters=1 double bed.)
2) Kia Ora – I’ll be your dog. (“No way man, you can be mine. [They embrace])
3) Vitalite – The Israelite pastiche. (“Wake up in the morning wanting my breakfast, but which low fat margarine spread shall I use?”)
4) R. Whites lemonade – Secret Lemonade Drinker
5) Sun Pat. (“Our son, Pat.”)
Honourable mention: George Cole laughing all the way to the Leeds.
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I saw a man yesterday on Charing Cross Road wearing a lamp shade on his head. I almost approached him to shake his hand as the biggest try-hard I've ever seen.
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Forgot to do a fact yesterday so here it is...
Fact#19:
For about half an hour I wanted to be a marine biologist. (Mainly due to the humpback whales in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.)
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Fact#19:
For about half an hour I wanted to be a marine biologist. (Mainly due to the humpback whales in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.)
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Sunday, September 07, 2003
I've just been listening to "Some Girls", the mid-period Rolling Stones album, and reading a Spiderman comic. It made me feel like an American teenager in 1976.
And that's the best feeling there is...
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And that's the best feeling there is...
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Saturday, September 06, 2003
Friday, September 05, 2003
Best Frank Sinatra songs – Maudlin
1) One for my baby (Preferably the 1956 Seattle live version)
2) What is this thing called love
3) Mood Indigo
4) Ill wind
5) Willow weep for me
6) Sunny
7) Dindi
8) Angel Eyes
9) Blues in the night
10) I get along without you very well
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1) One for my baby (Preferably the 1956 Seattle live version)
2) What is this thing called love
3) Mood Indigo
4) Ill wind
5) Willow weep for me
6) Sunny
7) Dindi
8) Angel Eyes
9) Blues in the night
10) I get along without you very well
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Best Frank Sinatra songs – swinging
1) I’ve got you under my skin
2) All of Me
3) I’ve got the World on a String
4) Witchcraft
5) Brazil
6) Let’s fall in love
7) Just one of Those Things
8) I get a kick out of you
9) Night and Day
10) When you’re smiling (the whole world smiles with you)
Extra points for Ol' Mac Donald.
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1) I’ve got you under my skin
2) All of Me
3) I’ve got the World on a String
4) Witchcraft
5) Brazil
6) Let’s fall in love
7) Just one of Those Things
8) I get a kick out of you
9) Night and Day
10) When you’re smiling (the whole world smiles with you)
Extra points for Ol' Mac Donald.
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Top 5 Duran Duran songs:
1) The Reflex
2) A View to a Kill
3) Girls on Film
4) Notorious
5) Rio
Incidentally, I predict a massive critical reappraisal of Duran Duran over the next 5 years as the right movers and shakers come of age. You heard it here first.
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1) The Reflex
2) A View to a Kill
3) Girls on Film
4) Notorious
5) Rio
Incidentally, I predict a massive critical reappraisal of Duran Duran over the next 5 years as the right movers and shakers come of age. You heard it here first.
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The Beatles in order of talent:
1) Paul McCartney
2) John Lennon
3) Ringo Starr
4) George Harrison
NB I'm not talking about solo work. And you have to admit that this is the truth. Any higher placing for George Harrison would be enormously affected.
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1) Paul McCartney
2) John Lennon
3) Ringo Starr
4) George Harrison
NB I'm not talking about solo work. And you have to admit that this is the truth. Any higher placing for George Harrison would be enormously affected.
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Magnificent Ambersons was aces. I'd never been to the National Film Theatre before, I'll probably become a member now. Nice mix of olds and youngs, hipsters and geeks too. Great to see it on a big screen, although... Worst... Ending... Ever. Best closing credits sequence though.
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Fact #17:
I used to work in a hotel when I was 18. Once I carried Samantha Janus’s luggage up to her room for her.
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I used to work in a hotel when I was 18. Once I carried Samantha Janus’s luggage up to her room for her.
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Top 10 things to mark you as a prince amongst men:
1) Saying enchante whenever you're introduced to anyone.
2) Hanging your trousers the Saville Row way.
3) Speaking at least a few words in as many languages as possible.
4) Wearing suits outside of work. (Especially linen)
5) Not bowing to the smart-casual tyranny of chinos and polo shirt.
6) Being able to cook at least ten excellent meals for two.
7) Getting up before 11am no matter what time you went to bed.
8) Never discussing money, your own or others'.
9) Having a healthy scepticism for all politicians and ideologies.
10) Being an expert at cryptic crossword puzzles.
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1) Saying enchante whenever you're introduced to anyone.
2) Hanging your trousers the Saville Row way.
3) Speaking at least a few words in as many languages as possible.
4) Wearing suits outside of work. (Especially linen)
5) Not bowing to the smart-casual tyranny of chinos and polo shirt.
6) Being able to cook at least ten excellent meals for two.
7) Getting up before 11am no matter what time you went to bed.
8) Never discussing money, your own or others'.
9) Having a healthy scepticism for all politicians and ideologies.
10) Being an expert at cryptic crossword puzzles.
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5 best voices (speaking) - Women.
1) Lauren Bacall
2) Penelope Keith
3) Julie Burchill
4) Anne Charleston
5) Janeane Garofalo
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1) Lauren Bacall
2) Penelope Keith
3) Julie Burchill
4) Anne Charleston
5) Janeane Garofalo
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5 best voices - singing (popular music).
1) Frank Sinatra
2) Aretha Franklin
3) Otis Redding
4) Emmylou Harris
5) Noddy Holder
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1) Frank Sinatra
2) Aretha Franklin
3) Otis Redding
4) Emmylou Harris
5) Noddy Holder
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Top 10 things to mark one out as a prize prick:
1) Using one's military rank in civilian life.
2) Having a tattoo of a football team. Particularly Leeds United.
3) Using the words, "gaff" or "pad".
4) Talking about house prices in any social situation.
5) Shaking hands with a bone-crushing grip.
6) Only going to *modern* art galleries.
7) Being rude to waiters/shop assistants.
8) Using HR-speak in everyday conversation.
9) Sneering at ITV.
10) Having a dangerous dog. (e.g. Staffordshire Bull Terrier, Doberman etc)
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1) Using one's military rank in civilian life.
2) Having a tattoo of a football team. Particularly Leeds United.
3) Using the words, "gaff" or "pad".
4) Talking about house prices in any social situation.
5) Shaking hands with a bone-crushing grip.
6) Only going to *modern* art galleries.
7) Being rude to waiters/shop assistants.
8) Using HR-speak in everyday conversation.
9) Sneering at ITV.
10) Having a dangerous dog. (e.g. Staffordshire Bull Terrier, Doberman etc)
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What a pompous entry. Ooh, look at me, I’ve read a book! It’s big and serious and long and grown-up and everything! What a loser.
So. Kathy Burke. Would you?
Normal service has been resumed.
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So. Kathy Burke. Would you?
Normal service has been resumed.
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Well, I finally finished the Executioner's song, all 1050 pages of it. I now feel emotionally drained and completely not up for a day at work. It is like nothing I've ever read: powerful; exhausting; frustrating; moving and quite brilliant. Gary Gilmore as Christ? No, that's absurd. Gilmore as an American Meursault? Yeah, that works. I'd had it on my shelf for two years before getting around to reading it but it was worth the wait. I can't recommend it enough.
Truly extraordinary.
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Truly extraordinary.
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Thursday, September 04, 2003
Top 5 Dirty Sanchez moments:
1) Pritchard on the step ladder being hit by the car.
2) When they roll in the nettles, whip their genitals with them and eat the leaves.
3) Pritchard being pulled along the skateboard grip and then having his bare arse salt and peppered.
4) Dainton hammering a u-nail over Pritchard's nob and into a 2 by 4.
5) Pritchard on the sledge going into the freezing water.
Bubbling under: When they have a race over the hurdles with barbed wire on top. When they keep stapling Pancho's back.
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1) Pritchard on the step ladder being hit by the car.
2) When they roll in the nettles, whip their genitals with them and eat the leaves.
3) Pritchard being pulled along the skateboard grip and then having his bare arse salt and peppered.
4) Dainton hammering a u-nail over Pritchard's nob and into a 2 by 4.
5) Pritchard on the sledge going into the freezing water.
Bubbling under: When they have a race over the hurdles with barbed wire on top. When they keep stapling Pancho's back.
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Top 5 best voices (speaking) ever:
1) Cary Grant
2) James Mason
3) Johnny Cash
4) James Stewart
5) Orson Welles
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1) Cary Grant
2) James Mason
3) Johnny Cash
4) James Stewart
5) Orson Welles
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Fact #16:
I am perpetually just about to start a screenplay for a teen comedy based on Cyrano de Bergerac.
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I am perpetually just about to start a screenplay for a teen comedy based on Cyrano de Bergerac.
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Anyone know the band that backed Mr Bean for "I want to be elected" the 1992 Comic Relief single? NB it was not a Red Nose Day year.
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The following have all been my favourite film at one time or other. Arranged chronologically:
Pete's Dragon
Superman
Star Trek IV : The Voyage Home
Back to the Future
Gremlins
Gung Ho
Pee Wee's Big Adventure
Major League
Life of Brian
Wayne's World
Apocalypse Now
Raging Bull
The Godfather
La Grande Illusion
Vertigo
Rear Window/Dazed and Confused
Now: don't have one.
As you can see, I was quite earnest a few years back. Thankfully, I got over it.
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Pete's Dragon
Superman
Star Trek IV : The Voyage Home
Back to the Future
Gremlins
Gung Ho
Pee Wee's Big Adventure
Major League
Life of Brian
Wayne's World
Apocalypse Now
Raging Bull
The Godfather
La Grande Illusion
Vertigo
Rear Window/Dazed and Confused
Now: don't have one.
As you can see, I was quite earnest a few years back. Thankfully, I got over it.
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Wednesday, September 03, 2003
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
The proper name for a shandy is a "shandygaff". A small prize to the next person who says "one shandygaff-Bass please, barman."
NB: Strictly speaking, a shandy(gaff) is is a mixture of beer and ginger beer, not lemonade.
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NB: Strictly speaking, a shandy(gaff) is is a mixture of beer and ginger beer, not lemonade.
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I'm going to see the Magnificent Ambersons on Thursday evening, 6:30, at the NFT. Come along if you fancy it.
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Monday, September 01, 2003
Check out James's site. It has stuff on it now and everything. All our house party photos are up there too.
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Orson Welles season starting on the 3rd at the NFT. Any of you cats up for seeing some stuff with me?
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I feel like Edward Norton in Fight Club when he's walking around the office and people are looking askance at his injuries...
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