Monday, February 28, 2005
I hold in my hands the debut (optimistic) album by G4. When I have a chance to listen to it I’ll write a proper review, possibly in the style of a minute-by-minute match report. First: a few thoughts.
Can it possibly live up to expectations? What are my expectations? Is there even a small, optimistic part of me that thinks that it is going to stride the mounds of mediocrity? Did I ever like them, even a little? Was it all a joke – on me – and has it long gone flat? Can I ever hope to recapture the happy memories G4 have given me, from the initial astonishment that such a group had been given airtime, through their unlikely progress in X-Factor to their final, unbelievable defeat to Steve Brookstein in that woozy post-bottle of wine repose following the Muppets’ Christmas Carol?
The cover is much as you’d expect (see below): four creepily sober undergraduates at the fag-end of an Oxbridge Ball. The track listing is a round-up of their X-factor turns, plus a couple of new tracks. Being a Bowie fan, I’m looking forward to Life on Mars. I’m disappointed that Cry Me a River is no longer present, presumably that’s a copyright issue, I can’t believe that it wasn’t up to scratch.
The CD itself is a minimalist white, and bears the stamp of quality, those two characters: “G4”. Loose in the box is an insert advertising downloads of all the album’s tracks. Promising. Is this normal nowadays? I haven’t bought a CD in six months, it’s taken these boys to tempt me back from my lakeside log cabin.
Who’s the blond one? Is it Jonathan? He seems to have been pushed to the fore somewhat. Can’t imagine why. Perhaps because he is the only one who isn’t a 24 carat minger. The inlay card is not particularly spectacular – lyrics pasted into a Burton’s catalogue. They all thank their parents, which is sweet, and a sop to their target demographic. No shout-outs to God though, for G4 is a heathen outfit.
Why not try texting-“G4”-to-81148-for-free-news-updates from someone else’s phone?
More later.
21.10: Right. Let’s get this show on the road.
1) Bohemian Rhapsody
Fuck that’s loud. Turn it down a little. OK. Relatively faithful to the original. Hang on, “Liddle High, liddle low… doesn’t really madder….” What’s this Jonathan? Where’s the home counties voice gone? Poor show. Growl on the “thrown it all away.” You know, I’ve heard this song enough. If I never hear the original again it’ll be too soon, and shorn of the patented rising-from-stools visual, this is pretty boring. Think I’ll be skipping this one in future. It’s building nicely I suppose… Waiting for the guitar solo. The backing reminds me of a mysterious CD my aunt bought me once: “Orchestral Queen”. I did like Queen once, I guess, could probably like them again. I had a Bohemian Rhapsody t-shirt from the market too. When I was fourteen. Man, I’d love that t-shirt now. It’d be so tight. I would have to be poured into it. Brilliant. Right, Beelzebub stuff. What! No guitar solo! A filthy orchestral break. The main explanation of the success of Queen was the Brian May solos (copyright Alistair Johnston 2005)! Enough of this. Next!
2) Nessun Dorma
Ahh… World Cup’90. The first exams I ever had to do, my end of Year 7 ones, we called it “First Year” in my day, of course. Lineker! My cousin, Carolyn, the daughter of the Queen-buying Aunt used to tease her mother that she’d love a son like Lineker but Gazza was much better. Cameroon for the cup! My exams in C14! A big boy now! Reading Silence of the Lambs from the school library – too young for it really. Walking home past the cinema, picking up my copy of Flicks, acquiring an embarrassing knowledge of the films of the day, cutting out pictures from Return to the Blue Lagoon, sheepishly sticking them up. Hoping one day to be cool enough to go into Magpie records in Worcester. I went in the end too. Looked at a Belly album, thought it was my ticket to the big time. Never bought that ticket. Perhaps I should have. You could see Worcester cathedral and the Malvern Hills out of my window. That and the gasometer.
The song: workmanlike.
Enough.
3) Everybody Hurts
Ooh! That vocal’s too loud. Jarring. This is the video when they all get out of the cars, yeah? Parodied on the Late Show (links to follow)? I don’t really do REM. I have Murmur, thought I’d make my way through them in order. Stalled. They didn’t do enough to hold my interest. To be fair, I’ve already given G4 more of a fair shake. Can’t imagine I’m missing much; I can more or less guess what they’d sound like. This is alright, actually. Nice enough, I suppose. Time to skip though. Barring an acapella breakdown I doubt it holds any surprises.
4) Circle of Life
Now I know dick about Disney films. Aie! Always with the jarring vocal entry. Where was I? Disney. Yeah, I was never into Disney. Saw the Lion King when I was about 17. I was under whelmed. Cartoon about lions, innit? What can I give you here… If you like the song you’ll probably like this. It’s reasonably faithful from what I remember. I need more though. Time to move on. Are you enjoying this stream of consciousness reviewing? I do hope so. I’m having fun.
5) Creep
When I first saw this performed I could barely contain myself. What brilliance! I doubt this can live up to it. It can’t – the shock of the new has worn off. Would I listen to this song again? Christ, would I listen to the album again? It’ll be recycled on compilations of course, but would I listen to it start to finish? We’ll see… Look, if you’ve heard Creep done by G4 before, then you know how this goes. If you haven’t, download it or borrow it from me. That’s it.
6) To Where You Are
Now I don’t know this one. Introduction makes it sound like a gentle ballad… What’s the history behind this song? It’s pretty poor, is it from Phantom or something like that? Sounds like one of the Lloyd Webber Kryptonite musicals. Can’t be doing with this one. Oh! Life on Mars is next! Is that a trip hop shuffling beat I hear? Might be, I’m not sticking around to find out.
7) Life on Mars
Brilliant! I love this song. Seen Bowie do it live too. It was, needless to say, awesome. He was a bit matey, and as I haven’t got round to saying before, the only good singers look like aliens, people you’d cross the street to avoid or your Dad. This is pretty good, actually. I mean, po-faced rock-bores will say it’s a travesty. Ignore them (oh, you do already? Good): it’s a song. Ignore it or enjoy it. Man, I’m turning this up… From Ibiza to the Norfolk Broads, indeed! It’s about to be writ again! It sure is, Jonathan, and you’re doing the writing! And fair play to you. Ha! Excellent warbling on that “Mars”! Well done! Should I be proof reading these?
8) The Flower Duet
Oh, the music from the British Airways advert! A nice palate-cleanser. Now, I know I’m supposed to say, “Oh, the duet from Lakmé, this version is dreadfully disappointing…” but I didn’t know what it was called. To me it’s the music from the British Airways advert, I’m not ashamed – I know lots of things you don’t!
9) Broken Vow
Don’t think I know this one either. Let’s give it a whirl. Piano. Classy. “Tell me his name, I want to know. The way he looks and something something… I need to see his face…” Anything you’re not telling us, Jonathan? Or is this a spiritual? Oh, I see. He’s wearing the cuckold’s horns and it’s all eating him up and shit. Plaintive violin. Sympathetic harmonies. Yes, I get it. This is a bit like a school drama, these are the show off kids. Well, you may have thought you were cool then, but you aren’t now, are you? For all your hanging with the girls from the Alice Ottley on co-productions, where are you now? Out you say. Out in exciting bars and clubs. Well, I am at home writing a review of a G4 album that no one will buy or be interested in reading. Yes. You are living your life, you are unembarrassed to talk to new people, you are not ashamed of your worthlessness. And why should you be? You are better than me. You always were. You always will be. In other news, this song is mediocre.
10) Jerusalem
Can it be true, will they sing Jerusalem? It can be! It is! The one hymn we liked at school. I’m turning this up again. William Blake and G4 – what a combination! I’m in heaven! “AND WAS JERUSALEM BUILDED HERE?” “Built”, surely? Not bringing you your arrows of desire. Perish the thought. Ha! Excellent bass vocal there. Christ! There’s a marching drum. Ta-tum-tum-tum. Brilliant! Brilliant! Brilliant! I stand and applaud you boys, I am truly roused.
11) You’ll Never Walk Alone
I am not from Liverpool. This song has no special significance for me. Quite nice, though. Like a comforting hug. I used to get the ferry to Liverpool from the Isle of Man. To me the Liver Birds were more than a sitcom I’ve never seen (of course Nerys Hughes) they signalled The Main Land. My home. I had made my escape from Alcatraz, survived the storm-tossed Irish sea, and was back in civilisation, or a decent approximation there of. Liverpool was a shoppers’ paradise to the Manx. Mind you, so was Chester. Yeah. Really. People would go “across” on shopping trips and bring back their riches to show their friends. “Ooh, that’s a lovely fabric, where’d you get that? Is that Tammy Girl.” “No. I got it ‘across’.” “Ooooh.”
12) My Way
Wow. The last song already. Feels like I’m just getting started. I’m ambivalent about this song. As a long-time Sinatra fan who has read biographies of the man and that, I am a bit sentimental about it. In a lot of ways it’s very unlikeable – yeah, fuck you, I fucked up all over the place, but at least they were *my* fuck ups; but he did live an extraordinary life on his own terms. He was a prick though. On the other hand, although his most famous song, it’s so far from his best. The early subtlety has given way to cheap bombast. Still, it’s not as bad as “New York, New York” or “Love and Marriage” those two pieces of excrement that usually get played. Anyway, G4. No backing on this, just vocals. You know what this is like? Four guys in tennis whites, jumpers draped over their shoulders, singing to a group of equally shallow, tittering girls. At least one of the men is called Jeremy; at least one of the girls, Jessica. Or it’s like those terrible evenings towards the end of term at college when the choral scholars would let their hair down (to their ears) and sing a few show tunes – to the idiots' delight, and my indifference. There’s a little orchestral swell now. If you need to listen to this song then go for the Sinatra version, but to be honest you need to own at least “Songs for Swinging Lovers” and “In the Wee Small Hours” before you earn that right. And that’s it! An abrupt ending.
So… Is it any good? Well, it depends what you mean. If you mean, “does it have any artistic merit?” then no! Of course it doesn’t! What are you thinking! These versions are completely redundant! If you mean, “is it fun?” Not really! It’ll clear a room! “Will I listen to it again?” All the way through? I already am! Have I had £12.99 (yes, really) worth of fun? Well, what’s that, a film and some popcorn? A gig? A few hours in the pub? Trust me, I’m already up on the deal.
Don’t buy it though. I’ve gone there so you don’t have to.
Hope you enjoyed the 2038 words on G4’s album - don’t worry, as with everything else I put any damn effort into, I expect no comments.
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Can it possibly live up to expectations? What are my expectations? Is there even a small, optimistic part of me that thinks that it is going to stride the mounds of mediocrity? Did I ever like them, even a little? Was it all a joke – on me – and has it long gone flat? Can I ever hope to recapture the happy memories G4 have given me, from the initial astonishment that such a group had been given airtime, through their unlikely progress in X-Factor to their final, unbelievable defeat to Steve Brookstein in that woozy post-bottle of wine repose following the Muppets’ Christmas Carol?
The cover is much as you’d expect (see below): four creepily sober undergraduates at the fag-end of an Oxbridge Ball. The track listing is a round-up of their X-factor turns, plus a couple of new tracks. Being a Bowie fan, I’m looking forward to Life on Mars. I’m disappointed that Cry Me a River is no longer present, presumably that’s a copyright issue, I can’t believe that it wasn’t up to scratch.
The CD itself is a minimalist white, and bears the stamp of quality, those two characters: “G4”. Loose in the box is an insert advertising downloads of all the album’s tracks. Promising. Is this normal nowadays? I haven’t bought a CD in six months, it’s taken these boys to tempt me back from my lakeside log cabin.
Who’s the blond one? Is it Jonathan? He seems to have been pushed to the fore somewhat. Can’t imagine why. Perhaps because he is the only one who isn’t a 24 carat minger. The inlay card is not particularly spectacular – lyrics pasted into a Burton’s catalogue. They all thank their parents, which is sweet, and a sop to their target demographic. No shout-outs to God though, for G4 is a heathen outfit.
Why not try texting-“G4”-to-81148-for-free-news-updates from someone else’s phone?
More later.
21.10: Right. Let’s get this show on the road.
1) Bohemian Rhapsody
Fuck that’s loud. Turn it down a little. OK. Relatively faithful to the original. Hang on, “Liddle High, liddle low… doesn’t really madder….” What’s this Jonathan? Where’s the home counties voice gone? Poor show. Growl on the “thrown it all away.” You know, I’ve heard this song enough. If I never hear the original again it’ll be too soon, and shorn of the patented rising-from-stools visual, this is pretty boring. Think I’ll be skipping this one in future. It’s building nicely I suppose… Waiting for the guitar solo. The backing reminds me of a mysterious CD my aunt bought me once: “Orchestral Queen”. I did like Queen once, I guess, could probably like them again. I had a Bohemian Rhapsody t-shirt from the market too. When I was fourteen. Man, I’d love that t-shirt now. It’d be so tight. I would have to be poured into it. Brilliant. Right, Beelzebub stuff. What! No guitar solo! A filthy orchestral break. The main explanation of the success of Queen was the Brian May solos (copyright Alistair Johnston 2005)! Enough of this. Next!
2) Nessun Dorma
Ahh… World Cup’90. The first exams I ever had to do, my end of Year 7 ones, we called it “First Year” in my day, of course. Lineker! My cousin, Carolyn, the daughter of the Queen-buying Aunt used to tease her mother that she’d love a son like Lineker but Gazza was much better. Cameroon for the cup! My exams in C14! A big boy now! Reading Silence of the Lambs from the school library – too young for it really. Walking home past the cinema, picking up my copy of Flicks, acquiring an embarrassing knowledge of the films of the day, cutting out pictures from Return to the Blue Lagoon, sheepishly sticking them up. Hoping one day to be cool enough to go into Magpie records in Worcester. I went in the end too. Looked at a Belly album, thought it was my ticket to the big time. Never bought that ticket. Perhaps I should have. You could see Worcester cathedral and the Malvern Hills out of my window. That and the gasometer.
The song: workmanlike.
Enough.
3) Everybody Hurts
Ooh! That vocal’s too loud. Jarring. This is the video when they all get out of the cars, yeah? Parodied on the Late Show (links to follow)? I don’t really do REM. I have Murmur, thought I’d make my way through them in order. Stalled. They didn’t do enough to hold my interest. To be fair, I’ve already given G4 more of a fair shake. Can’t imagine I’m missing much; I can more or less guess what they’d sound like. This is alright, actually. Nice enough, I suppose. Time to skip though. Barring an acapella breakdown I doubt it holds any surprises.
4) Circle of Life
Now I know dick about Disney films. Aie! Always with the jarring vocal entry. Where was I? Disney. Yeah, I was never into Disney. Saw the Lion King when I was about 17. I was under whelmed. Cartoon about lions, innit? What can I give you here… If you like the song you’ll probably like this. It’s reasonably faithful from what I remember. I need more though. Time to move on. Are you enjoying this stream of consciousness reviewing? I do hope so. I’m having fun.
5) Creep
When I first saw this performed I could barely contain myself. What brilliance! I doubt this can live up to it. It can’t – the shock of the new has worn off. Would I listen to this song again? Christ, would I listen to the album again? It’ll be recycled on compilations of course, but would I listen to it start to finish? We’ll see… Look, if you’ve heard Creep done by G4 before, then you know how this goes. If you haven’t, download it or borrow it from me. That’s it.
6) To Where You Are
Now I don’t know this one. Introduction makes it sound like a gentle ballad… What’s the history behind this song? It’s pretty poor, is it from Phantom or something like that? Sounds like one of the Lloyd Webber Kryptonite musicals. Can’t be doing with this one. Oh! Life on Mars is next! Is that a trip hop shuffling beat I hear? Might be, I’m not sticking around to find out.
7) Life on Mars
Brilliant! I love this song. Seen Bowie do it live too. It was, needless to say, awesome. He was a bit matey, and as I haven’t got round to saying before, the only good singers look like aliens, people you’d cross the street to avoid or your Dad. This is pretty good, actually. I mean, po-faced rock-bores will say it’s a travesty. Ignore them (oh, you do already? Good): it’s a song. Ignore it or enjoy it. Man, I’m turning this up… From Ibiza to the Norfolk Broads, indeed! It’s about to be writ again! It sure is, Jonathan, and you’re doing the writing! And fair play to you. Ha! Excellent warbling on that “Mars”! Well done! Should I be proof reading these?
8) The Flower Duet
Oh, the music from the British Airways advert! A nice palate-cleanser. Now, I know I’m supposed to say, “Oh, the duet from Lakmé, this version is dreadfully disappointing…” but I didn’t know what it was called. To me it’s the music from the British Airways advert, I’m not ashamed – I know lots of things you don’t!
9) Broken Vow
Don’t think I know this one either. Let’s give it a whirl. Piano. Classy. “Tell me his name, I want to know. The way he looks and something something… I need to see his face…” Anything you’re not telling us, Jonathan? Or is this a spiritual? Oh, I see. He’s wearing the cuckold’s horns and it’s all eating him up and shit. Plaintive violin. Sympathetic harmonies. Yes, I get it. This is a bit like a school drama, these are the show off kids. Well, you may have thought you were cool then, but you aren’t now, are you? For all your hanging with the girls from the Alice Ottley on co-productions, where are you now? Out you say. Out in exciting bars and clubs. Well, I am at home writing a review of a G4 album that no one will buy or be interested in reading. Yes. You are living your life, you are unembarrassed to talk to new people, you are not ashamed of your worthlessness. And why should you be? You are better than me. You always were. You always will be. In other news, this song is mediocre.
10) Jerusalem
Can it be true, will they sing Jerusalem? It can be! It is! The one hymn we liked at school. I’m turning this up again. William Blake and G4 – what a combination! I’m in heaven! “AND WAS JERUSALEM BUILDED HERE?” “Built”, surely? Not bringing you your arrows of desire. Perish the thought. Ha! Excellent bass vocal there. Christ! There’s a marching drum. Ta-tum-tum-tum. Brilliant! Brilliant! Brilliant! I stand and applaud you boys, I am truly roused.
11) You’ll Never Walk Alone
I am not from Liverpool. This song has no special significance for me. Quite nice, though. Like a comforting hug. I used to get the ferry to Liverpool from the Isle of Man. To me the Liver Birds were more than a sitcom I’ve never seen (of course Nerys Hughes) they signalled The Main Land. My home. I had made my escape from Alcatraz, survived the storm-tossed Irish sea, and was back in civilisation, or a decent approximation there of. Liverpool was a shoppers’ paradise to the Manx. Mind you, so was Chester. Yeah. Really. People would go “across” on shopping trips and bring back their riches to show their friends. “Ooh, that’s a lovely fabric, where’d you get that? Is that Tammy Girl.” “No. I got it ‘across’.” “Ooooh.”
12) My Way
Wow. The last song already. Feels like I’m just getting started. I’m ambivalent about this song. As a long-time Sinatra fan who has read biographies of the man and that, I am a bit sentimental about it. In a lot of ways it’s very unlikeable – yeah, fuck you, I fucked up all over the place, but at least they were *my* fuck ups; but he did live an extraordinary life on his own terms. He was a prick though. On the other hand, although his most famous song, it’s so far from his best. The early subtlety has given way to cheap bombast. Still, it’s not as bad as “New York, New York” or “Love and Marriage” those two pieces of excrement that usually get played. Anyway, G4. No backing on this, just vocals. You know what this is like? Four guys in tennis whites, jumpers draped over their shoulders, singing to a group of equally shallow, tittering girls. At least one of the men is called Jeremy; at least one of the girls, Jessica. Or it’s like those terrible evenings towards the end of term at college when the choral scholars would let their hair down (to their ears) and sing a few show tunes – to the idiots' delight, and my indifference. There’s a little orchestral swell now. If you need to listen to this song then go for the Sinatra version, but to be honest you need to own at least “Songs for Swinging Lovers” and “In the Wee Small Hours” before you earn that right. And that’s it! An abrupt ending.
So… Is it any good? Well, it depends what you mean. If you mean, “does it have any artistic merit?” then no! Of course it doesn’t! What are you thinking! These versions are completely redundant! If you mean, “is it fun?” Not really! It’ll clear a room! “Will I listen to it again?” All the way through? I already am! Have I had £12.99 (yes, really) worth of fun? Well, what’s that, a film and some popcorn? A gig? A few hours in the pub? Trust me, I’m already up on the deal.
Don’t buy it though. I’ve gone there so you don’t have to.
Hope you enjoyed the 2038 words on G4’s album - don’t worry, as with everything else I put any damn effort into, I expect no comments.
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